


Metamorphosis

by MorningSun



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-24
Updated: 2015-09-13
Packaged: 2018-04-11 01:40:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4416182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorningSun/pseuds/MorningSun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry returns to Hogwarts with other Eight years and is still trying to come to terms with the aftermath of the war, struggling to find his place after spending months in solitude.</p>
<p>He is surprised to learn that Draco Malfoy is coming back too. </p>
<p>Unexpected events bring them closer together as they try to forgive, forget and re-learn to live in the new world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Awakening

**Author's Note:**

> After a year of silent observing I'm finally ready to share some of my own work. This is my first fanfic and I hope you enjoy it :)  
> Awakening is the first chapter of a longer Eight year fic. Feel free to comment and...yeah, I hope you'll like it.   
> And, of course, all characters belong to J.K. Rowling, although I'm more than happy to play with them.
> 
> -Your Sun

“What do you mean ‘I should start jogging?” Ron exclaimed earning a few raised eyebrows from the Ravenclaw table. Hermione shrank into her shoulders.

“I’m not saying that you’re not…I mean…you know…attractive.”

Harry smirked. This was going to be fun.

“Yeah…” surprisingly enough Ron was grinning. “Yeah, I know you’re not.” He leaned over to Hermione and gave her a somewhat awkward kiss. Just as he was about to pull away Hermione grabbed him by his Gryffindor vest and pressed her mouth against his, suddenly all sure and brave. There were a couple of whistles from their table alongside with advice to get a room. “Oh, you know it.” Hermione teased and laughed huskily. Ron didn’t take his eyes off of her.

“Yes, ‘cause that would be mental.” Hermione let out a breath and her eyes widened. She lightly hit him across the forehead as he pulled her into his chest and put his chin on her curly hair. Harry watched them from across the table.

The summer had changed them. Ron had a new found confidence, he wasn’t blushing when Hermione bossed him around, he didn’t look around to check if no one was watching before kissing her. He had a fierce stride as he walked down the hallways that had welcomed them once more. Hermione had loosened up a bit too. _What?! That’s what happens when you save the world_ she told Harry when he had pointed it out. They had spent the whole summer snuggling and kissing, and Harry was so over the flower spells and butterfly charms after Ron had accidentally turned a cactus into Devil’s snare. His eyes wondered over the crowded Great hall and for a fraction of a second caught sight of striking silver eyes.

With a flick of his blond hair Draco, who apparently had been watching them, turned his head in a different direction and refused to look at Harry again. He had changed too. How Harry wasn’t sure. After the battle Draco had left with his parents and when Harry and all his friends received their invitation to retake year seven he hadn’t been sure he’d see Draco return too. The Malfoy trial was still fresh in everyone’s memory and it had been a bloodbath. He had been quite shocked to find Draco at the Slytherin table at the Start of term feast.

Draco was sitting alone. No Crabbe, no Goyle, no Pansy, although she was shooting him longing looks from where she was sitting with Blaise and other Slytherin eight years. Weirdly enough Harry almost felt glad to see him. Almost. So much had happened last year. Harry still remembered the Death mark etched on Draco’s skin and his wand raised towards Dumbledore. Even though he didn’t blame Draco as much as he once had, it still stung to remember. Sometimes when he least expected it Harry was struck with the memory of the old wizard’s wise knowing eyes behind the half moon spectacles and anger flared inside him again.

Harry’s eyes lingered on the blond boy for a moment before landing on Ginny. She almost choked on her pumpkin pie. Ginny, the young, beautiful red-haired witch, who used to awake a roaring monster in his stomach. Things hadn’t been the same between them after Harry had spent the better half of summer travelling through the mountains, fighting trolls and riding on thestrals. Most of the time he'd felt lost. He still did. There was a pitt in his stomach that nothing could fill. No one had taught Harry how to get over killing the world’s most powerful dark wizard, almost dying and seeing some of his closest friends lying dead on the cold hard stone floor surrounded by the ruins of his home all on the same day. Ginny was still keeping her distance from Harry. He knew the way he left hadn’t been fair to her, when she so desperately needed him to be there while she mourned her brother. He hadn’t been. He couldn’t be.

Harry couldn’t possibly look into George’s eyes. Not because he and Fred were so alike, that did hurt every time he slumbered into the kitchen or the living room of the Burrow, but because he had asked them to fight for him and George had lost his twin brother. Harry didn’t have the guts to see any one of them.

Neville was sitting close to Ginny and somehow Harry knew he had been there to comfort her when he wasn’t. He felt grateful for it.

Ron and Hermione were kissing again and Ginny rolled her eyes.

“Are they glued or something?” she mumbled under her nose and Harry laughed.

“Hey, lovebirds, enough is enough.” Seamus yelled from the other side of the table. He and Dean were snickering loudly.

“You know what, mate” Ron started dreamily, “if life’s taught me anything it’s that every second matters. It’s now or never.”

“Gross.” Ginny winced and stuck her tongue out.

“Why do I feel like I’ve heard that one before?” Harry grinned widely. Dinner was almost over and students had begun to fill out of the Great Hall. Harry's attention snapped back to the spot where Draco had been sitting, but he was already gone. He had made a habit of slipping out of the hall before the hallways got crowded. Draco didn't have much choice as many had already tried to hex him and obscenities were aimed at him where ever he went.

“Oi, Harry!” Neville leaned forward with an enormous smile on his face. Harry turned to him.

“I reckon he didn’t even touch his pumpkin pie.” Harry looked over at Ron’s plate. The pie indeed still stood on it untouched.

“Maybe he won’t have to start jogging after all.” Ginny added and all three of them laughed. Her eyes accidentally met with Harry’s again and her laugh faded, replaced with the now familiar uneasiness.

“I’ll go now.” She said and stood up a bit too eagerly. Their eyes met again and Ginny tried to smile at him, but her heart wasn’t really in it. She turned around on her heels and walked away, her hair flowing behind her. The break up talk was inevitable and yet Harry wanted to avoid it as long as possible.

He slid off of the bench and walked to the entrance. He couldn’t understand how he could have been thinking he was famous before the battle. Now it was a great deal worse. The crowd parted, everyone smiled or patted him on the back. The girls and some of the boys confessed their undying love, the professors gave him respectful little nods. He already missed the peace and quiet of the forest, where the only thing to hear was a troll’s growl.

He slipped out of the Great Hall and immediately took a right as the Nearly Headless Nick soared through a wall at the end of the corridor. As much as Harry liked the ghost, he wasn’t up to a conversation just yet. The thought of going back to the Gryffindor tower didn’t sound too appealing either. He just wanted a moment where he wasn’t the center of attention. He was so tired of it, every question almost made him sick.

There was one place that popped into his mind – Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom still deserted and gloomy. Harry rushed down the hallways of the castle until he neared the familiar door. He stepped in and closed the door behind letting out a deep breath.

“Potter.” He heard his name being spit out with just a tinge of the old rivalry. It was nice to know that some things never changed. The bathroom wasn’t quite as deserted as he’d thought. Draco had been leaning against the tiled wall and was now frozen on the spot.

“Malfoy.” Harry slightly nodded. He remember how his name had felt like bile on his tongue, how the hate was almost tangible. Most of it was gone now. Watching Draco stand in the trial and hearing all the things that were said about him and his family had somehow eased the anger Harry had felt before.

“Well…aren’t you going to try to cut me up like last time we were in here?” Draco raised his eyebrow, the corner of his mouth peaked up. Harry flinched at the memory. “I bet you want to kill me. Such a pity those stones squished your Weasel’s brother instead of me.”

In that moment it really was.

The anger and hate Harry hadn’t felt for so long crept out of the depths of his chest. Draco Malfoy in all his glory or rather the reflection of it. Harry’s hand had started to reach for his wand, but he stopped himself. It was something in Draco’s face. He looked distraught, almost like he had looked the time Harry had used the Sectumsempra on him. Worried and unsure, although he tried to mask it with his usual brashness. His hair was tousled to the side from where he had run through it with his hand.

Draco had nothing left except the mask he had crafted carefully throughout the years. His family had been brought lower than Mundungus Fletcher had ever been. Anyone who saw them on the street would sooner spit on them than give them greeting. He was still dressed all black. Harry’s eyes lingered on Draco’s left arm, where he knew the Dark mark was etched on his skin. The long sleeves of his button-up covered it, but Harry could almost see through the dark fabric. He knew it was still there and would always be – a constant reminder of his doings. Harry couldn’t help but feel a little sorry for him.

“Shut it, Malfoy. I’m not going to do anything to you or with you if you leave me and my friends alone. This is your one chance to make it right, don’t waste it.”

For a moment he didn’t say anything and Harry hoped he had listened to what he’d said. Then Draco looked up and laughed almost desperately. He covered his face with his palms and bent slightly.

“You think it’s easy?” He yelled back. “You think I can just make it right? You know nothing, Potter! I watched people being killed, I wanted them to die. I dreamed of a world clean of all your filthy little mudbloods!”

Harry felt the irritation creep up in his veins. Who was he to talk about death and loss? Spoilt, rich boy with both parents, who loved him more than anything. Had he tried being an orphan, having every single relative torn away from him? Had he tried to watch his friends die knowing it’s his fault? Had he? Harry stepped closer, his hand sliding to his wand again.

“Don’t you dare tell me what’s easy and what’s not!” he pushed through gritted teeth. “You might have wanted to see someone die, but you didn’t have to kill anyone. Snape did it all for you and he’s dead now too. I had to kill and I’m still here.”

Draco went over to the sinks and gripped one of them on the sides, looking down and closing his eyes.

“I know.” He snapped coldly. Something crossed his face. A shadow of emotion. “But it is easier for you, Potter, you’re a hero! Everyone loves the little brave Potter-boy, while I’m forced to survive the disdainful stares of all these pathetic creatures crawling around me thinking they’re superior.”

Harry’s hands clenched in fists. Every world was spit out of Draco’s mouth like they were sordid. He marched in circles at the other end of the bathroom, his hands in his messy hair again. Harry couldn’t believe that after everything Draco was still saying something like that. Like those stares of others it wasn’t his own fault and he was somehow the victim.

“Knock it off, Malfoy! You made your choice a long time ago. I reckon you’re not one to judge others, when it’s you who’s pathetic.” Draco stiffened, his whole body tensed and his long lean fingers dug deeper into the sink’s sides.

“Yeah, sure.” He said it barely a whisper. Then he straightened up, still not leaving his end of the bathroom. Harry didn’t recognize his voice. He had never heard it this way before, almost humbled. It lasted just for a second before reverting back to his usual snarky tone and yet he managed to get a glimpse of the scared teenage boy he had seen the night of Dumbledore’s death or looking at his distorted face in the Malfoy mansion. Draco turned to face Harry and repeated.

“I know that, but it’s not like I had a choice. He was going to kill my family! I thought you of all people would understand that I had no choice! Was I supposed to let him feed my mother to his snake?”

Harry stopped for a minute. He did understand. He wasn’t really blaming Draco for doing what he had done; he hadn’t been for a long time now. If Harry ever got the chance to get his mother back he would do the same, he thought. He knew he was supposed to say something to Draco or at least feel sorry, but the way he had said it killed even the smallest chance of it happening. He was still his usual self, he still cared just for himself. Draco looked at Harry half expecting him to be the hero once again and say something, but nothing happened. He went back to the sink and took a few long breaths. Harry didn’t fully understand what was happening to him.

Draco seemed so desperate, even broken behind the heavy stone walls he’d built to distance himself from everybody else.

“I can’t do it anymore!” he shouted and Harry almost jumped. The blond man looked straight into his deep green eyes, but couldn’t hold the gaze. Can’t do what? Harry wanted to know. Draco went ahead and ripped his sleeve open, sending the perfect little buttons flying. There it was – the Dark mark. The skull and the snake. It had faded a bit, but it would never go away completely.

“Every day I have to look down on this mark and remember what it stands for, what I’ll always stand for, because there is no way I can change any of it. And I hate it.” Draco touched the mark with his other hand and Harry felt the old fear shuffle inside him. The mark didn’t light up, no one was coming, no one would ever come again.

“I hate it and I look at it and I hate myself.” He didn’t dare look up. Harry thought this might be the first time he’s ever been honest with anyone. It made Harry wonder why it was he Draco was telling all of this about. Why he felt the need to do so after doing everything in his powers to make Harry’s life miserable for the past eight years. He also couldn’t help but grin. Somehow fighting with Draco was making him feel better, even if he knew it wasn't the same foolish fights they had had as children, it was a bit of normalcy he craved to feel and hadn't since the war.

“Draco Malfoy hating himself. And I’m a thestral.” Draco flinched at his own name. His jaw tensed.

“I shouldn’t have told you any of that.” He growled. “But I can’t anymore. It’s been so long.” Draco was half talking to himself. His face contorted into a painful expression. His knuckles, clenched in fists, went white. He looked up at Harry, who just stood there uncertain of what was going on. His eyes were on fire, they were scared and angry at the same time, but so very focused.

“I hate you, Harry Potter.” He spit out. Harry felt a sudden pang of stubbornness. Weren't they over that? What was the point of hating each other now, when they were too far gone to even recognize themselves? But Harry knew that maybe the hatred was the same to Draco's as were the fighting to Harry.

“You had your chance at home. Why didn’t you finish me off then, eh?” he called on him and Draco blinked slowly. Harry could tell he had been thinking about that for many hours, even days. So had Harry, and though he didn’t expect Draco to give him an honest answer he still stiffened a little bit awaiting his next words. Draco looked into Harry’s eyes once more with an emotion he couldn’t decipher and started walking fast across the room.

“I didn’t kill you because I couldn’t bring myself to.” He talked feverishly closing in the last few meters. It didn’t sound like Draco at all, his voice was strained and almost apprehensive. Harry didn’t understand if he was going to hit him or curse him, either way he didn’t move.

“And I hate you that much more for it, but I just…” And then there was nothing between them and Draco’s firm lips were on Harry’s, he smelled like the forest after rain and his scarred hands were on Harry’s cheeks, and before he could steady his thoughts enough to understand what was happening, Draco was gone.


	2. Under the Willow Tree

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had a few busy days, but now I'm back with another chapter. Enjoy :)

It was a miracle Harry managed to get to the common room without running into a wall, he was thinking so hard. Had Draco just… He said he hated him, which wasn’t news, but he…one second he was screaming and coming at him with that insane look on his face and next.

“Password?” The Fat lady demanded.

“Kiss…what? No, it’s Metamorphosis.” Harry reddened as the portrait swung open, and quickly climbed into the common room.

“Harry!” Hermione called him from one of the armchairs in the corner. “Were have you been? We were starting to worry.”

“Oh, come on, Hermione, he’s a big boy.” Dean laughed from were he was sitting on the carpet, Seamus’s head on his legs. “Besides, you’ve already got one boyfriend to worry about.” Seamus added and high-fived his friend.

Hermione furrowed her brows. “Aren’t you two just hilarious.”

 Harry considered going up to their dormitory without saying anything, but it was too early for that so instead he went to sit on the windowsill.

“Is everything alright?” Ginny asked him looking worried. Of course, she could still read his face like a book. Harry just wished she wouldn’t see what had happened, not when he wasn’t sure himself.

“Fine.”

She smiled sadly and looked into the fireplace, filled with jittery cantaloupe coloured flames. “You know, that’s what George always says these days.” She continued quietly so that no one else could hear. Harry wasn’t sure even he was supposed to.

“I don’t think he has been. Not since…” her eyes clouded with the memory.

“He actually broke every single mirror in the house because he couldn’t stand seeing _him_. And sometimes Mom accidentally calls him Fred and he just freezes for a moment, then runs and locks himself in his room.”

Her eyes were getting watery. She hugged her knees and rested her chin on top of them, the sad smile still on her lips. Harry couldn’t look at her, the guilt surged up in him, burning like the flames in the fireplace. He should have known all of that, he should have been there with all his friends instead of running away on his own.

“I’m sorry.” He murmured looking at his hands. He was sorry, he knew no one blamed him for what had happened, but they could blame him for not being there when they needed him the most.

“There is nothing you could have done. We’ve told you that was bigger than any of us. I miss him, though, he always had the best pranks to play on Percy…and Ron.” Ginny laughed at a memory Harry couldn’t hear. Her voice didn’t break, her breaths weren’t shaky. Ginny was stronger than Harry could remember, steadier and more serious too. There was a wall between them that didn’t use to be there. He no longer could sit next to her and hold her in his arms and at that moment it was more than he could take. She wasn’t his Ginny anymore. Because if you ever wanted to truly have someone you couldn’t leave them in pain.

“He did.” Harry agreed and looked outside the window at the dark forest, were he had thrown out the Resurrection stone. Maybe he should find it and give it to her, but Harry didn’t seriously consider that, he knew that no stone could ever bring anyone back from the dead. They were all in their hearts and their memories. It would never be enough, but at the same time it was.

“Hey, what’s with the gloomy faces? Did Malfoy bite you?” Seamus called on them. Dean was toying with his hair.

Harry’s heart missed a beat. There was no way any of them could know what had gone down in the bathroom. Seamus gave him a weird look and carried on with his Quidditch conversation with Dean. He didn’t know. All was well.

What wasn’t so good was that Harry didn’t know himself. He involuntarily touched his lips and wondered if he ought to feel disgusted or tell everyone to humiliate Draco, or maybe find him and punch him, or maybe _kiss him_. _No!_ Harry shook his head trying to get rid of that thought. But how was he supposed to do that when he could remember his hands on his face a little ruff on his skin.

Harry needed to talk about this with someone, but he realized he had no one, who would understand. His parents, Sirius, Lupin, Dumbledore - everyone, who would have understood were dead. Harry felt his stomach clench at the sudden realization. He obviously couldn’t talk to Ron or Hermione, or God forbid, Ginny. It seemed the only person he could talk to was Draco himself. No one else would understand. But Harry wasn’t sure he would be able to look him in the eye.

At that moment Neville and Ron climbed through the portrait hole laughing about something hysterically.

“He doesn’t look half as terrifying without his entourage.” Neville continued a conversation that had started before they got here.

“I don’t know, he almost looked scared to see us.” Ron said in between waves of laughter. To Harry’s horror they were talking about Draco. Did anyone have anything else to talk about these days?

Draco was scared. Of course, he didn’t know if Harry had told anyone. He had handed Harry a weapon that could destroy him. It was flattering in ways to think that Draco thought of him that highly.

Ron went over to Hermione and leaned down to give her a quick peck on the lips. She looked fondly into his face and smiled. Harry felt like jumping off of the windowsill and climbing out of the room. Sometimes the happiness all around him was more than he could take. Dean looked down at Seamus, who had drifted to sleep, and smiled to himself.

 

***

 

Harry slid into the Great Hall at breakfast and immediately scanned the Slytherin table. Draco wasn’t there. He felt relief wash over him as he set off to Gryffindor table.

 

***

 

“We should go see Luna some time.” Ron suggested while he, Harry and Neville were walking back from Hagrid’s. “I mean, I’d go myself, but I’m not so certain I’d get past that creepy door.”

Harry laughed. Ron hadn’t changed that much after all.

“I always wonder what would happen if no one could come up with an answer.” Neville said. “Not even the professors.”

“I’m sure they would just take Dumbledore’s portrait to it.” Ron said after he had thought about it for some time. “There is no way that he wouldn’t know.”

Harry’s heart fell. He still wasn’t used to hearing Dumbledore’s name without remembering everything that had happened.

They passed a group of seventh year girls, who all looked at them with admiration-filled eyes and teasing smiles.

“Did you see that?” Neville laughed when they were out of hearing distance. “I’m still not used to having girls look at me like that. I could ask anyone of them on a date and she would probably say yes.”

Ron straightened his back looking completely self-satisfied. “You should. I’m telling you, having a girlfriend is amazing.”

Harry spotted platinum blond hair a couple yards away and felt blood rushing to his face. He nailed his eyes to the ground and followed in Ron’s massive steps.

The one time he dared to look, Harry saw Draco in a circle of other Slytherin eight years and an annoyed Pansy. Draco caught sight of him and snarled saying something to Pansy, who burst out laughing.

Harry felt the old hate rush through his body. This Draco seemed so far away from the one he had seen at the bathroom yesterday and so alike the one who had always ridiculed him. _That’s because he was the same boy._

“Is he shagging her yet?” Ron smirked noticing the Slytherins.

Neville winked at a pretty girl walking past them, she practically melted.

Harry raised an eyebrow. Neville certainly had become the _it_ guy of Hogwarts.

“I thought you had to have a heart to be with someone. Malfoy can’t care for anyone to save his life.”

Harry couldn’t figure out if he agreed with that or not. Draco certainly wasn’t a nice person. He was an awful one, he’d always been, _he probably was always going to be_ , but...

“Neville, don’t be so naïve.” Ron responded laughing. The next moment he opened his arms as a fast-running Hermione crashed into his chest.

“ _Hi_.” He got lost in her eyes and moved his hands to his girl’s back.

“So, Hermione, we could use a lady’s opinion.” Neville continued the conversation.

Hermione looked up interested. She never missed and opportunity to show off her vast knowledge.

“Is Malfoy and Pansy a thing?”

“No.” Hermione laughed and looked over at Pansy, who was following Malfoy like a lap dog. The only person who still did.

“Heard her whining about it in the lady’s room this morning. If you’re asking me, he should be happy at least someone can stand to be around him for more than a second.” She whispered so that no one could overhear.

Harry looked to the ground again. He was so confused. Had Draco changed? Or was he the same moron he’d been for the last seven years? Harry wasn’t sure it was possible not to change after everything that had happened. The world had changed and one simply couldn’t survive in it without changing himself.

 

***

 

“Potter.”

“Come near me again and I’ll break your nose.”

Draco grinned but stepped back.

He no longer looked sad and distraught, he almost looked hopeful. Like maybe he had regained his old smug attitude. _Or maybe he never lost it in the first place._

“You wouldn’t. You’re the good one.”

Harry wanted to hit him. His fists ached to collide with his sharp jaw, he wanted to punch the self-satisfied look off of his face so badly. Why did Draco think he was allowed to walk around like nothing had changed.

“I wouldn’t count on that.”

Draco’s eyes flared up. He looked at Harry in a way that made him uncomfortable.

“Stop.” Harry told him and stepped backwards.

“What?” Draco raised his eyebrow. Anger surged through Harry again followed by a strange fluttering in his chest.

“Stop looking at me like that.”

“I’m not…” Draco closed his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. “I told you already, Potter, I _hate_ you.”

Harry smirked.

“Is that why you kissed me, Malfoy?” he looked right into Draco’s gray eyes until the other boy had to look away.

“No, tell me. I want to know. Because I rather have you hating me than looking at me like that.” He gestured at Draco’s face.

For a split second he looked almost hurt. He had looked like that just before Moody had turned him into a ferret after Harry had called him pathetic. Harry froze. He pressed his fists to his forehead and closed his eyes. For how long had this been going on? It made him sick to think that for years Draco had been looking at him feeling like that. Every time he had caught his gaze over the house tables... Harry’s stomach clenched. But there was something else too, a feeling Harry wanted to push as far away as he could, because somehow he knew it was wrong for him to feel anything other than anger.

“You’re sick, Malfoy! You’re a sick bastard! For how long has this been going on? Did you think of me while making sure that all Voldemort’s whishes got fulfilled? Or while your precious father and the rest of Voldemort’s adherents murdered the closest people I had to parents? Where you secretly in love with me all that time?” Harry called on him as thousands of moments morphed in his mind, violating his memories, making everything a lie. He couldn’t stand it, he wanted to burn them out of his brain and not be stuck with them forever.

“I could never _love you_ , Potter! I’d sooner die!” Draco stepped closer.

“Stop! Don’t come closer to me! Ever.” Harry shouted and turned to leave the shadows of the huge Willow tree by the lake, where he had thought no one would find him. But surely, Draco had been known to have a special talent at finding Harry.

“Don’t turn your back on me, Potter!” Draco yelled after him.

Harry jumped around and looked furiously into his eyes. “Or what? You’ll tell your father? Oh wait, no, you can’t because he’s nothing now. A nobody. And so are you.”

“At least I still have a father. Everything that gets close to you ends up dead.” Harry stiffened, air stuck in his lungs. Draco looked at him, his lips pursed together, his eyes clouded with indignation. Harry had hurt his pride so he stabbed him in the heart. It was about time Harry remembered he was playing against someone who knew no boundaries.

 Harry just shook his head and walked away.

“Potter.”

“ _Potter_.” Draco didn’t spit his name out the second time, but Harry still didn’t stop. Nothing he wanted to say could possibly matter.

“I didn’t mean to.”

This time Harry couldn’t keep walking. He turned on his heels and punched Draco in the face making him lose his balance and fall to the ground. Harry sincerely hoped that he’d broken his nose. Those were possibly the biggest lies that had ever left his mouth.

“Yes you meant it.” He said looking down on him. Draco was holding the left side of his face and wincing. “You little piece of shit! You’ve been meaning it since the very first day you met me. You’ve mocked me and tricked me and my friends and laughed when people I care about got hurt. You’ve never even tried…”

Harry was breathing fast and gritting his teeth. He wanted to kick him, to hurt him. the rage had come out of nowhere in the matter of seconds and he wanted so much to let it control him. Just for once.

But then he saw Draco lying at his feet still holding his cheek but not saying anything and stopped. He wasn’t a person who would do that. As much as he wanted to. He had needed to do it for so long and now it was done. It felt good not to hold back for once. Harry had let his hatred take over, but he was done hurting people. Even if it was Draco in question. Even if he deserved it.

Harry had spent months pondering every single detail of what he had gone through, coming to peace with it. He had to. He couldn’t stand feeling so stuck and lost. The war was over, everything was different now, it was time to move on. To do that he had to let Draco speak. He never had to talk to him again if he didn’t want to.

But you do want to…

A small voice in the back of his head said. Harry took a long breath wishing for it to go away. He did want to. He wanted to understand so many things about the war and himself, and he knew Draco could help him. Harry was tired of hating him, he knew he couldn’t do it for another year, he knew he didn’t want to. So Harry didn’t leave and sat in front of the blond man, who was still wincing in pain.

Harry leaned forward.

“Ok, I’m listening.”

“Don’t pretend like you care.” Draco had snapped back to his usual snarky tone. Harry didn’t say anything. He didn’t know if he cared. A part of him was delighted for having done that to Draco, another part didn’t care and an even smaller one wanted to make sure he was ok. The same tiny part of him that believed that Draco could still redeem himself. He just looked at Draco’s hand and it fell from his cheek into his lap. A deep red bruise was spreading under his left eye, nothing Madam Pompfrey couldn’t fix, but it still distorted his handsome face.

Draco looked at Harry uncertainly, his expression was stern, which Harry knew by now meant that he was hiding all his emotions again. His eyes lingered on Draco’s cheekbone for a bit, where the bruise was especially dark. It almost felt like touching him. Draco inhaled, then rapidly closed his eyes and shook his head. He crawled backwards quickly getting to his feet.

“ _No_. No, I can’t do this anymore.” He stood up and ran away, further away from the school. How many times would he say it? What was it that he had to do? Look at Harry? Talk to him? Whatever it was, Draco seemed to be fighting himself in a war he had already lost.

Harry looked around, no one seemed to be outside as it was getting cold and the wind was blowing hard, so he ran after Draco.

“What are you talking about?” he yelled after him.

Draco stopped abruptly and turned around surprised to see Harry following him. The wind was blowing his blond hair into his eyes as he strode over.

“I’m talking about _this_.” He gestured at the space between them. “I hate _it_ , Potter. I don’t want _it_. Everything used to be easier when I could just call on you and see how you hated me and would never want to be my _friend_ …” the word tasted foreign on his tongue. Harry wondered if he’d ever even used it before. “…and I could ignore everything else. Then I’d tell myself that I was jealous of your fame and not the way you looked at Weasel’s sister. It used to be so much easier to hate you, I think I had almost convinced myself.” Draco looked up at Harry who stood there listening. Harry’s stomach did an unwelcome lurch, which he ignored. It was as if Draco couldn’t stop talking.

“Then you turned up at my house.” He continued. “I had imagined it over and over again in my head, how I would finally make my father proud by being the one to capture you. And I couldn’t. I knew by then that you were our only chance to win.”

“You worked for _him_.” Harry let out.

“As soon as I understood that he was going to kill me and my family I stopped trusting every word he said.” Draco’s expression became more distant. “What kind of a monster do you think I am?”

Harry couldn’t answer. He had never thought of Draco as anything more than that. He had never shown a trace of decency, but Harry had seen him off-guard before, scared for his life.

“You might not be a monster, Malfoy, but you are a coward.”

“And that’s why I’m still here.”

He hadn’t denied it. Harry wanted to say something, but he was overwhelmed with how good it felt to talk about the war. Everyone one of his friends had already said what they had wanted to say and were moving on, but Harry still craved to talk, to figure everything out. It was ironic how after all Draco was the only person, who didn’t just swipe everything under the carpet.

 For a few seconds they just looked into each other’s eyes wondering. The wind was tossing their hair in every direction, the cold had made Harry’s fingers go numb. The sun had disappeared behind the Forbidden Forest and twilight embraced them, hiding them from the rest of the school. The silence was too long. Harry felt like he’d forgotten how to speak. He didn’t say anything as Draco moved closer. Something in his face was frightening. Harry saw Draco fighting a battle with himself and loosing. Anger and despair flickered in his eyes that were on fire once again.

Harry didn’t say anything as Draco hesitated for a second, inches apart from his face, because now he was fighting a battle too. He couldn’t think. He wanted to run a way. _To hell_ , he knew he had to run, it was the right think to do. _He couldn’t._ Their eyes met and Draco looked just as perplexed and somewhere beneath it – scared to bits. He looked so lost and Harry was too. He had been for a long time. And after being lost for so long they craved to grasp on something. Anything.

 Harry let Draco kiss him, push his lips open, and he kissed him back. His mind was a wreck, he couldn’t hold on to any thought at all, everything was storming around, he was confused and angry and helpless. He was scared too, scared for enjoying it, for wanting to keep going. Draco dug his fingers into Harry’s neck sending shivers down his spine and Harry finally found his way back to reality. He pushed Draco hard in the chest and stepped back, shaking his head. He looked about as confused as Harry felt.

“Don’t ever come to me again.” Harry said and walked away.

As he made his way back to the castle he knew he would.

 


	3. Transfiguration

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This time I had a little fun with creating my own characters.

It was in the middle of Transfiguration that Harry found himself thinking about gray eyes that quickly attached themselves to a face and made him drop the vase he was supposed to turn into a candleholder.

“You ok, mate?” Ron looked at him concerned.

“Fine.” Harry mumbled and whispered _Reparo_ to his vase.

“It’s stupid, isn’t it?” Ron said barely audible. “We kill off the world’s most powerful dark wizard and still have to make candleholders.”

Harry managed a smile. It was a bit funny, but from now on, he hoped, candleholders would be more useful than complicated defense spells.

“We’ll see what you say when its your turn to serve the table.” Hermione hissed from the seat next to Ron. He started to wonder and got progressively redder. Seeing that Transfiguration still wasn’t his strong suit, Harry hoped for the sake of all of them that Ron’s turn never came by. His vase had just grown a few twigs.

Besides, Hermione was looking bored as she had transformed her vase into a beautiful silver candleholder in about three seconds, there was no way she was ever going to let Ron suffer through it.

 

***

 “ _Oh, no no no no no no no_!” Ginny exclaimed over breakfast. She had raised her eyebrows and was pointing her long finger at Harry fiercely.

“There is no way you’re not going to be Seeker. This is my final year and I want to end it with a nice big championship trophy.”

Harry swallowed hard. _There was no way_ he could tell her why he didn’t want to play Seeker. He had successfully gone full three days without seeing Draco and he simply couldn’t risk falling off his broom during a match again.

“Hey, this is our final year too.” Ron interfered sounding a bit offended.

Ginny hardly looked at him. “Yes, but that doesn’t count. And you _do_ get to play.”

Ron considered that and shrugged nodding his head.

“Come on, mate, play with us.” He joined his sister. “It will be fun.”

“Besides, you’re playing against Malfoy. We all know you can beat him in your sleep.” Added Hermione after gulping down her pumpkin juice.

Quite frankly, Harry couldn’t beat him in his sleep. He had spent the last two nights waking up countless times from dreams and nightmares that scared the living goblin out of him and then having trouble falling back to sleep because he couldn’t stop thinking.

Ginny bent her head to one side and furrowed her eyebrows. Harry had to smile, he had always found her cute when she fussed over small things.

“Yeah.” Seamus joined the conversation while reaching for the honey chicken. “And someone has really worked on his…looks.” He moved his eyebrows in a mocking way and received a gale of laugher from all around the table.

Harry quickly took another bite of his potatoes.

“I bet Pansy finally had enough.” Ron smirked and Hermione giggled from across the table. She rose from her seat just a bit to see the Slytherin table and hastily sat back. “From the looks of it someone really didn’t hold anything back.” She said sounding almost sorry. Harry nearly choked. Draco was in the Hall. He made a mental note not to look behind him.

“Harry, you have to play.” Dean said with a painfully hopeful expression on his face. Everyone nodded.

“Okay, I’ll do it.”

His friends cheered and clapped but Harry wanted to disappear.

 

                                                            ***

The Gryffindor common room had never been so crowded before and now as the temperature got lower everyone wanted to sprawl on the floor near the fireplace. Harry was sitting on the windowsill and looking outside the window. His mind had been restless for days by now and he didn’t know what to do about it. He tried to push Draco out of his head but he always found his way back in. It was inevitable.

First years were playing cards, trying to levitate them and mostly failing to do so. The older Gryffindors were chatting in their little age groups. Ron and Hermione were probably somewhere snogging, while the rest of the eight years were going through the latest assignment for History of Magic.

Harry tore his eyes off the window and precisely at that moment the portrait hole opened and McGonagall climbed in. She stopped in the middle of the room, almost tripping on a tiny second year, adjusted her hat and gave miniature smile that only those who knew her well enough could notice.

She cleared her throat before speaking and waited until all the chattering had faded away.

“Good evening, students, I come to you with an urgent matter that has come to the faculty’s attention. It’s been noted several times by a number of students from all four houses that the current student to dormitory distribution simply can not do.”

Harry sensed that something bad was about to happen.

“To ensure the wellbeing of all our students the professors of Hogwarts have decided to remove eight years from their dormitories in the four houses and place them into the Room of Requirement. This is not up for discussion, therefore I hope that I will not have any trouble concerning my Gryffindor students.” McGonagall’s eyes stopped on Harry as if she knew that he was not okay with the new rules.

“I would now like all the eight years to follow me to the third floor. All your personal belongings will be brought to you soon after.”

Students broke into loud muttering, but no one sounded particularly enraged about the new situation. Harry watched as Neville and Ginny got up from the floor and stopped next to McGonagall. To his surprise they looked excited. Why wouldn’t they be? There was no blond boy awaiting them in the Room of Requirement to mess with their heads. Harry felt a surge of panic run through him. He couldn’t do this.

“Cool! At least now I’ll have my own bed.” Seamus yelled and joined the group of eight years already assembled.

“Like you need it.” Dean added and smiled sideways. Seamus got slightly redder and didn’t dare to say anything else. McGonagall’s eyebrows rose up, but she didn’t say a thing either.

Harry was the last one to join them. He suddenly didn’t know what to do with his hands so he crossed them over his chest like armor.

Ginny noticed the expression on his face and scooted nearer.

“Are you all right?” she asked and Harry felt so grateful he almost kissed her. He sometimes forgot he no longer could. From the look in her eyes she did too.

“Yeah.” Harry half sighed. She smiled at him and reached for his hand. He took it and exhaled as if he had been holding his breath for all this time.

“You’re going to be.” Ginny said quietly and Harry wasn’t sure if even he was supposed to hear it.

He hoped she was right.

 

***

Filch opened the door to let the eight years into the Room of Requirement, muttering swear words under his nose. He couldn’t believe that this place saved after the battle with shear luck was now to be given to sneaky, untrustworthy, hormone-driven children.

For the first time in his life Harry agreed. He was so nervous he almost tripped on his own feet. Ginny continued to look at him weirdly so Harry tried to mask his true feelings with a smile, which he was sure Ginny didn’t quite believe. She had insisted on coming up with them to see where they were going to spend the rest of the school year.

Harry looked at his left and Draco’s cold gray eyes were right in front of him. They both twitched and averted their gaze. Harry’s blood suddenly felt one hundred times hotter, almost scorching in his veins.

“What is it with you?” he heard Pansy’s shrill voice somewhere nearby. Was she talking about them? Had she seen what had happened just now? Even worse – what if she had been hiding in the bushes the other night and was about to tell everyone in school that the boys that had once been mortal enemies were now lovers. _Which they were not, of course._

He quickly shot inside the room and went straight to the other corner, where a row of beds had been assembled. His friends exchanged questioning looks, but followed in his footsteps. Harry only hoped that Draco had the decency to stay as far from him as possible, still he felt almost disappointed when he did.

Draco looked up and Harry felt his hate suddenly grip him tight, not allowing him to breathe. Draco’s gray eyes were glowing, but not like fire, no, his eyes were cold like ice and it made it that much easier for Harry to project a similar look right back at him. Someone stepped in front of Harry, clouding his view and he felt an unwanted wave of anger towards this unknown person. Harry had to refocus his eyes before looking up, where a smiling blond Hufflepuff girl was standing.

“Harry Potter, it’s so nice to finally meet you. I can’t believe it’s actually you. _The Boy who killed You Know Who_. Oh, my mum will be so thrilled to hear this.” She had a soft, friendly voice, but it annoyed Harry like nothing else ever had before. He smiled politely and waited for her to shut up. She didn’t.

“My name is Polly, by the way, and I just wanted to s…” in the corner of his eye Harry saw Draco leave the room. His heart sunk involuntarily.

The girl – Polly – was eyeing him weirdly. It appeared to Harry that he had missed a question.

“Excuse me?” he said.

Polly’s smile faltered. “I wanted to know how you liked our new dormitory. It’s nice having all four houses together, isn’t it?” the sincerity in her voice was almost painful. Harry just looked at her and didn’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry, Polly, wasn’t it?” Ginny stepped in and put a hand on Polly’s shoulder. Polly nodded.

“You see, Harry has been feeling a little bit unwell today. We should probably let him rest.”

Polly looked at Ginny and seemed to believe her story as her pretty round face clouded with concern. She looked back at Harry apologetically.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

“It’s fine, really.” Harry assured her, happy to see her return to her Hufflepuff friends.

“Thanks.” He said to Ginny, who sat down next to him on his narrow bed. It was nice to be near her again, although it wasn’t the same anymore and they both felt it.

“What’s going on, Harry?” she asked him in that calm, soothing way of hers that made Harry want to tell her all his secrets. He wished he could, but there was no way on earth he could ever tell her or anyone about what had happened.

“I don’t know.” Harry knew she could tell that he was lying so he didn’t.

“Is it about us?” Harry admired how it was never awkward or uncomfortable with her, he missed talking to Ginny about everything and nothing at all, but that was something he had to give up, because holding on wouldn’t be fair to either one of them.

“Not really, no.” He told her the truth and she seemed just a little bit sad about it. For a moment they just sat there in silence. Ginny looked up to the ceiling and inhaled deeply. Harry knew that she was about to say something she cared about profoundly. Maybe something that had been troubling her mind like Draco had his.

“You know you never explained why you left back then. I just…I feel like” she exhaled sharply and closed her eyes.

“like you owe me at least as much.” Ginny didn’t complain or accuse Harry of anything, to which she had every right, she just wanted to be able to move on.

“I do.” He told her and she laughed with relief and rested her head on his shoulder. The Room of Requirement had been transformed into a cozy dim-lit room, with beds in many rows against the walls and chairs with little tables in the middle. Facing them stood a large fireplace and on both sides of it two windows. It was near perfect. Harry focused on the flames and for the first time in days felt peaceful.

“After I threw the Elder wand away I thought that all of it was over and that I could just return to my old life and…”

“be happy?” Ginny murmured.

“yeah, I guess.”

“And you couldn’t.” She stated a fact instead of questioning it.

Harry nodded. It was still hard for him to remember the past couple of months.

“I realized I had no ‘old life’ to return to. I’m still not sure what I’m going to do now, when I’m completely on my own.”

“You’re never completely alone, Harry.” Ginny protested.

“I know. And it was selfish of me to leave all of you behind and just disappear like I did, but I…you don’t know how hard it is to live with the fact that so many people died so that I wouldn’t have to.” Harry didn’t mean to sound quite so accusing, but Ginny didn’t get angry. She just wrapped her hand around his back and held him close.

“Think of all the lives you saved instead, Harry. None of us would be here if it wasn’t for you killing Voldemort. I know it is sometimes hard to see the good side of things, but you have to try, because you might find it bigger than the bad could ever be.”

Harry hugged her back and closed his eyes.

“You know I still love you, right?” she whispered.

Harry knew, he could see it in her eyes sometimes. They would always love each other, not like they used to, but always more than a friend.

“I love you too, Ginny. But I’m…”

“Different? Yeah, I know, I am too and maybe it’s for the best.” She sat up and looked into his eyes.

“I was so angry when you left. And I know that I’ve told you this a million times, but you really hurt me, Harry. I didn’t think you could just…leave. Leave me.”

“I didn’t want to leave you, but I also knew I had to.” he told her eyes that were sad, but no longer aching.

“You did not. But that’s the thing with you, Harry. You always think you know what is the best or the right thing to do, and you seclude everyone else from your decisions. You should trust people more, let them in.” Ginny put a hand on Harry’s heart and smiled. He did want to protest as Ginny had made him feel a bit angry, but there was truth to her words.

“You didn’t leave no option the last time, so I think it’s fair if this time I’m the one to say it.” Ginny continued and Harry shook his head. If she continued it would be over and he didn’t know if…

“We can’t be together anymore. We’ve both changed too much.”

Harry had never imagined that breaking up would feel like this. Something got taken away from him without his permission. He didn’t fight back, there was no need to, but it still felt awful to hear it rather than say it. For one of the few times in his whole life he had no power. It was scary to think that this is how his friends had felt all those times when he did something reckless, when he left without saying a word. He also knew he deserved it.

“We are still friends, right?” Harry had to make sure.

“We will always be friends.” Ginny breathed out and hugged him as tight as she could. They waited for a few seconds before stepping away from each other.

“Plus, you have the coolest room.” She added and laughed. Harry smiled at her.

“Hey, where are Ron and Hermione? I haven’t seen them since dinner.” Neville appeared on their side. He had just emerged from a group of excited Ravenclaws and a grin was dancing on the right corner of his lips.

“Argh…I don’t even want to know.” Ginny rolled her eyes and jumped on the bed next to Harry’s. Harry snickered, if anything that was the last thing they should worry about.

“Hello.” A deep, slightly rusty voice interrupted their little circle. When Harry looked up a gorgeous Slytherin girl with raven-black hair was looking their way.

“Hi, um…” she blushed and smiled. “Sorry, my friends and I were just wondering if you’d like to join us for a game of cards.” Neither Harry nor Neville or Ginny said a word. They were too dumbstruck trying to figure out what trick this girl had up her sleeve. She didn’t seem the least bit intimidating or evil. Not to mention the fact that she had blushed. Harry had never seen a Slytherin blush. Draco would _never…_ he stopped before his thoughts got any deeper.

“Yeah, we just wanted to know how good Mr Potter is in cards.” A smaller girl with a dark green pixie cut joined her friend. Her voice was squeaky and full of challenge.

“I’m Becca, by the way, and this is Charlize.” She introduced them to her friend.

Harry smiled, turned his back on them and looked at Neville, who looked at Ginny, who looked back at Harry. She raised her eyebrows and gave a slight flip of her long ginger hair. Neville’s grin got wider. Harry turned back to face the girls.

“We would love to.” Charlize whooped and Becca winked at Neville, who, Harry was almost certain, winked back.

They all stood up and occupied one of the nearest round tables with mahogany chairs around it. Becca started mixing the cards. Ginny kept an eye on her every move, not quite trusting her yet.

“Mind if we join you?” A Ravenclaw boy and girl paused by their table. He had unbelievably dark eyes and high cheekbones, the girl had big, purple ones that reminded Harry of Tonks.

“Yeah…sure.” Becca chirped after eyeing them both top to bottom. The newcomers sat down and smiled politely. Becca dealt everyone their cards and set the remaining pile in the middle of the table.

“So, _dolls_ , who wants to start?” she addressed the rest of the group and pursed her little purple lips.

“I think Potter here should have the honor.” The Ravenclaw boy clapped on Harry’s shoulder. From his attitude alone Harry was surprised he hadn’t been sorted into Slytherin.

“That is a good idea. If not for him we’d still live as Voldemort’s slaves.” Charlize added and the Ravenclaw girl nodded in agreement.  

“I don’t know, I hear that without the bravery of Mr Longbottom, Potter wouldn’t have succeeded. He was the one who killed that revolting snake after all, wasn’t he?” Becca smiled at Neville. Ginny raised one eyebrow.

“It’s Neville.” He said and puffed his chest.

Harry was so used to everyone praising his achievements that the sudden shift in target for compliments felt refreshing. _It’s not like he had to be jealous_ every time someone said something flattering to his friends.

“We’re playing Blob, is everyone acquainted with it?” Charlize inquired.

“Isn’t that a Muggle game?” the Ravenclaw boy leaned forward.

“Yes, it is.” Charlize threw a fake smile at him. “I learned it as a kid. From my _Muggle_ parents.”

Everyone’s mouths, except for Becca, flew open. _A Muggle-born Slytherin?_ She had to be joking, but she weren’t. She rolled her eyes and sighed.

“Yes, I’m a Slytherin and I’m not a pure-blood. Not everyone in our house is a bloody Malfoy.”

There it was again. The name that Harry had successfully forgot for a total of ten minutes. He quickly stole a glance at the far end of the room, Draco hadn’t returned.

“Mhm, moreover, it was astonishingly rude for McGonagall to send the entire Slytherin house to the dungeons during the battle like a bunch of felons.” Becca intervened. “Some of us wanted to kick that nose-less butt-head’s ass as well.”

Charlize nodded in agreement.

“We had no idea.” Neville said looking uncomfortable.

“We thought all of your house was like Malfoy and his gang.” Ginny continued.

“See, that’s why none of you are in Ravenclaw.” The boy concluded. “It’s not even statistically probable that all the Slytehrins are pure evil.”

Ginny shot him an irate look.

They ended up playing one of the wizard card games familiar to everyone. Harry couldn’t believe he had been blind enough to think that every single Slytherin had something bad on their mind.

After a while, though, it became clear that they weren’t exactly innocent. Regardless of her warm smile, Charlize kept cheating. Either that or she was the best player anyone had ever seen. Incidentally Becca was the scorekeeper and Neville seemed to be doing better than could be said of his card skills. Ginny’s eyebrows got more and more furrowed as the game progressed. When Charlize won yet another round she threw her cards on the table and sprung to her feet.

“That’s it!” Ginny exclaimed. “You’re clearly cheating!” she said to Charlize, who looked genuinely surprised.

“There is no way you could win all those rounds. And Neville, sorry, but you can’t possibly have higher score than I do.”

“Shush!” Becca’s finger shot to Ginny’s lips. “No need for accusations. We are not cheating, Harry can confirm, he’s had a perfect view at my score sheet for the entire game.”

Everyone looked at Harry expectantly. To be honest, he wasn’t the most reliable judge in this situation as for the past few minutes he had been distracted by Draco, who had returned to the room and was currently perched on his bed reading a book. His blond hair was still as sleek as ever, body as far from relaxed as possible. Not once did he look Harry’s way. It annoyed Harry more than it should have.

“Um… They weren’t cheating.” He murmured absent-mindedly. The look on Ginny’s face was frightening.

“I guess that’s enough for today.” Charlize said while Ginny was shooting daggers at her.

“Yeah.” Neville agreed and pushed Ginny back down in her seat.

“It was nice to meet all of you.” Charlize said and stood up. Becca gave a little wave and followed her friend. The two Ravenclaws left without saying anything.

Harry thought he felt someone watching, but when he raised his head Draco’s eyes had snapped back to the book.


	4. Wingardium leviosa

Some parts of Hogwarts still hadn’t been fully repaired and the faculty found it a delightful field practice for Hogwarts students of later years. Today instead of Transfiguration they had to learn repair spells and help their professor restore a stone stairwell and a couple of rooms on the second floor.

“Now, the task is rather difficult for one person so I’m going to divide you in pairs.” McGonagall announced at the beginning of the lesson.

“How shocking.” Draco snarled and McGonagall stopped to shoot him an incredulous look. After all, he had to be grateful he was even allowed back in Hogwarts after everything he and his family had committed.

“I suppose Mr Malfoy is displeased with my rules.” She came a few steps closer to him. Draco no longer looked her straight in the face like he used to do whenever a professor tried to punish him. He kept his eyes on the ground.  
Harry had a feeling about what was to come. He tried to hide behind a group of fellow eight years.

“Why don’t we pair you up with Mr Potter, Draco? I reckon you have a lot to learn from him.”

Harry squeezed his eyes shut.

“No, professor, I’d much rather work with Neville.”

McGonagall put her chin up. Harry knew he’d been defeated.

“We are very grateful for what you’ve done for the wizarding world, Mr Potter, yet I must insist on your joining Mr Malfoy today.”

Harry grunted quietly and went to stand next to Draco, who was as stiff as the stone they were about to work with. The space between them felt electrolyzed. Every second was a torture.

They stood in silence watching other eight years being divided in two’s. Harry saw Hermione shoot him an apologetic look. He shrugged back.  
When everyone had a pair, McGonagall stepped to front once again.

“One of you will levitate the rock and the other one will put it in its place with the spell I taught you. And please, no tricks, this is a very serious matter and any wrong-doing will be punished.” She then assigned each pair to a different part of the castle. Ron and Hermione got a room on the east side of the ground floor, Neville and (not too surprisingly) Becca received one of the dungeons. Pansy joined a Hufflepuff boy on the first floor.

“Potter, Malfoy, you’ll have the stairs.”

They walked in silence through the corridors of the second floor until they reached the partially destroyed stairwell. Debris was lying all around their feet and Harry’s eyes lingered on Draco’s black pants that were inevitably going to get dusted with white.

“Do you want to levitate or the other thing?” Harry asked him to test his reaction. A fundamentally different other thing came to his mind, but he immediately shook it off.

“Whatever.” Draco responded. His tone was far from friendly, however, it wasn’t as disdainful as usual.

“You levitate, then.” Harry told him and practiced his spell on a small rock. It stuck to the ground and sealed all the cracks around it. He could feel Draco watching him and suddenly felt a lot warmer. Harry repeated in his mind that he hated Draco just to shut all the other thoughts out. He couldn’t feel any other way. He had to hate him, had to remain cold-hearted. 

“Wingardium leviosa.” Draco pointed his wand at a rock near his feet and it rose into air. His voice sent shivers down Harry’s spine. He didn’t dare look at the blond boy and focused on his spell instead.

Draco’s spell was perfect every single time. His hand moved in swift waves and Harry had to concentrate really hard on his spell not to mess it up.  
They were moving a big rock high up the stairwell and Harry had to bend down to examine the best angle to place the rock in the necessary place. As he bent down his sweater pulled up revealing skin and the rock came crushing to the ground sending a cloud of white dust onto Draco’s black attire.  
They both looked equally startled. It was one of the moments Harry caught Draco off-guard. His impeccable look was disheveled by the dust, and somehow he looked even more handsome than before. 

Harry got back up and stood right in front of Draco, who was trying to clean the dust off of himself. He missed a spot on his upper arm and Harry reached out to brush the dust off. As soon as he touched him Draco tensed.

His eyes were empty, he was shutting down again. Harry wanted to shake him by the shoulders to get some kind of emotion out. He refused to believe that this was all there was to Draco Malfoy. A bully and a coward.

They were so close to each other the air between them felt electrified again. When he looked at Draco, Harry felt the hate and his own old pain that had been connected to this boy since he could remember, but there was so much more to feel – pity and regret, and even if Harry didn’t want to – lust.  
When he realized that he wanted to be near him, Harry’s heart skipped a beat. He took a step back.

Then he felt it. Draco was looking him in the eye and trying to get inside his brain. And he succeeded. 

Of course, he would be good at Occlumency, Draco was about the least compassionate person one could find, Harry scolded himself for not thinking of it sooner. But then again, he never thought he would stoop so low.  
A flow of memories whirpooled before his eyes and Harry tried to fight back, but he couldn’t calm down. The fear of Draco knowing what was inside his head was inconceivable. He did the only thing he could do. Harry crashed into Draco’s chest and tried to make him lose concentration.

“Stop!” Harry shouted at him. “Stop it!”

Draco’s eyes weren’t empty anymore. Now they were on fire, desperate, hungry. He kept stealing Harry’s memories and he was getting closer. Draco shuddered as Voldemort shot Avada Kadavra at Harry, he inhaled sharply as his own mother lied to the Dark lord to save both him and Harry, he watched him defeat the greatest dark wizard of all time and leave his friends to grieve. Harry was still trying to stop Draco, but he was running out of time. 

Draco’s lips parted with another intake of breath as the memory of the night at the Willow tree flashed before him. He knew now. Harry stopped trying. Draco tore everything he had felt right out of his mind and he was helpless. He stopped at he memory of just a few moments ago, right before he had barged into Harry’s mind and read his feelings, saw his hatred and his lust for him. Then he snapped back to the memory of the battle, when Voldemort had made everyone choose their side. Lucius and Narcissa kept calling their son and he hesitated for a long time before finally joining his parents. After that Draco released Harry’s mind.

“I wanted to stay.” He told Harry, who couldn’t possibly care less.

“Well, you didn’t” Harry said through gritted teeth and pushed him away. He still felt too weak to fight him, but the anger pushed him forward. He hadn’t been this angry for a very long time. 

Blinded by his anger he didn’t notice that Draco had let him in his thoughts for a mere second with that one sentence that contradicted everything he had ever known.   
Draco pushed back. Harry hit him in the chest aiming straight for the heart he wasn’t sure was even there. Draco groaned.

“You rat!” Harry kept shouting. “You had no right to do that!” Harry punched him again and Draco wasn’t quick enough to dodge to the side. He doubled over and staggered backwards.

“I had to know.” He tried to explain. 

“You violated my memories, you piece of scum.” Harry was oblivious to Draco’s vague attempts to shield himself. He hit him again.

“You don’t understand!” Draco retorted back.

“You could have just asked.” Draco’s reaction only made Harry angrier.

Draco managed to avoid the next punch. He looked taken aback. He had no answer to that. Harry’s anger died down. Draco just looked at him scornfully. He was breathing very fast and his lips were parted.  
Harry knew the reason he didn’t say anything was because he couldn’t say anything without breaking his mask. He couldn’t pass this off with a scoff like he usually did. If Draco chose to say something, it had to be real.   
They kept looking at each other. Harry’s arms were still clenched in fists. Draco didn’t say anything.

“You know what?” Harry called on him. he stepped closer and took him by the neckline of his vest. 

“Don’t say anything, Malfoy, because I don’t give a crap. After what you just did I hate you that much more, and no, you don’t have to ask me, because I’ll make sure that you never forget.” He released him and turned to go.

***  
Harry couldn’t sleep at all that night. He was haunted by flashes of Draco ripping his mind apart, stealing his feelings. It all resembled the nightmares he’d been having when Voldemort was still alive. As much as he had ever been.

The fact that Draco was sleeping just across the room didn’t help either. Even thinking about him made Harry so angry he was seconds from bursting in flames. Draco’s name tasted like poison in his mouth. After everything that had happened he hadn’t changed one bit. Maybe everyone had been right all along and he couldn’t.   
Harry wanted to hurt him back. He needed to. that was the only thought on his mind, and every time he imagined yet another way to do so, he smiled into the darkness. Choking him until his pale face got red, breaking his nose, jinxing his legs, or the cruelest way of all – kissing him in ways he didn’t know existed, that would make him beg for more, breaking his mask, getting under his skin and then ripping his heart out when he least expected it. Harry looked at the spot in the darkness, where he knew Draco was. 

***

Somewhere close to dawn Harry must have drifted to sleep, because when he opened his eyes a pink glow was illuminating the wooden floor, which meant that sun had already risen above the horizon.

He shuffled to get into a more comfortable position and noticed movement across the room. Draco was sorting through his belongings, looking for his Quidditch uniform as the Slytherin team had been having early morning practice slot for a while now. 

Draco looked different when he thought no one was watching. His expression was blank, but even that was a nice change after an eternity of scorns and grins. He wasn’t trying to prove anything. His shoulders were down and his blond hair was a wonderful mess. For a second Harry was taken aback. In his sleepy mind there was a yearning that got more familiar with every day. It was too early to deny it.

Their eyes met. Harry watched Draco alter in front of him. His calmness dissolved into nothingness and was replaced by his usual stern look.

“What are you looking at, Potter?” he almost growled, then before Harry had time to answer, Draco took his broom and left. 

Harry gritted his teeth to keep himself from swearing as yesterday’s events drifted back into focus. He had to lie with his eyes open for good five minutes before his heartbeat got back to normal.   
How could Draco not feel the least bit sorry for what he had done? Why couldn’t he let himself feel?

Because he never had.


	5. Look around you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had such fun with Pansy in this chapter. I believe there is a lot to learn from every character and what they can bring to the story. I hope you like it as much as I did.

After a particularly long History of Magic lesson the students were once again divided in pairs to help with the repair work. Harry was relieved to hear Draco’s name being called together with some Hufflepuff girl. Unfortunately, he didn’t have much time to celebrate as he got paired up with Pansy Parkinson, who was just as bad.

            They got sent off to a remote corner of the castle to seal a hole in the wall. Pansy didn’t see it necessary to keep her mouth shut as Draco had done. She blabbered non-stop. To a point, where Harry started imagining throwing a rock at her head instead of the wall.

            “Wingardium leviosa!” Harry said to a big granite block on the ground. It rose into air too quickly and almost hit Pansy.

            “Hey! Watch it!” She snapped at Harry.

            “Sorry.” He said without emotion and moved the block closer to the wall.

Pansy looked at him, her ponytail swinging to the side. There was a cunning look in her eyes. He could se why she and Draco were friends.

            “It’s fine.”

They placed a few more rocks in the hole. Pansy kept stealing looks at Harry. He ignored her. Harry could sense she was getting impatient. The wall was halfway repaired by the time she could no longer stay silent.

            “I know about you.” Pansy told Harry and put her hands on her curvy hips.

            “What?” he stopped working too and met Pansy’s eyes.

            “I’m not a complete bampot, even if everyone thinks otherwise.” She continued. “I see things.” She stepped closer. “And I hear things.” Pansy was standing right in front of Harry. He stayed silent.

            “Draco has always had a weird interest in you.” She started circling around him like predator. “I used to think he was just jealous and that’s why wouldn’t shut up about _Harry Potter_ , The Boy who _blah blah blah_.” She mocked his name.

            “Of course he was jealous. He wasn’t the center of attention as he had hoped.” Harry hissed at Pansy and she chuckled.

            “You don’t get it, do you?” she leaned closer to Harry’s face. “His father expected him to be the center of attention and he was not pleased to learn that a Potter and his mudblood friends had stolen that from the Malfoy family.”

            Harry’s pulse got a little bit faster. “You call my friends that again and I’ll make sure you leave and never come back.” Pansy raised an eyebrow.

            “You’d be surprised how easy it is to influence people after having defeated Voldemort.” Harry smirked.

            “Please, half of it was Granger anyway, and you have no right to still be mad at Draco after he spared your life.” Pansy reminded him triumphantly.

            “I’ve saved his life at least twice.” Harry said and pointed his wand at a rock. Pansy was in no way willing to get back to work.

            “Keep telling that to yourself.” She rolled her eyes. “By saving you Draco saved all of us. If he had just handed you right to Voldemort, you’d be dead and the world wouldn’t be a very nice place. Actually, ” her face lit up with a revelation “Draco is the real hero here.”

That was enough.

            “Heroes don’t invade other people’s minds.” Harry clenched his hands into fists. His heart was beating fast and hard.

            “Oh yeah?” Pansy opened her arms to the sides. “You have invaded my mind and Draco’s and everyone else’s since we were children. Believe me, I wasn’t asking for that. It was always The Boy Who Lived, The Chosen One, _The Boy who did this and that_ , while I'm just a pathetic ordinary kid, who’s done nothing. You think that was easy for the rest of us?”

Even though she was trying to find Harry’s weak spot, he could feel pain behind her voice. Had all his friends suffered because of him being the Chosen One? No, he couldn’t let her get to him.

            “Maybe you should have tried harder.” Harry said and turned his back on Pansy. She almost laughed.

            “I really don’t understand what everyone sees in you when you can’t even listen.”

            “I’m perfectly fine, thank you.” Harry stared at her sideways.

            “There you go again.” Pansy was persistent.

            “God, you’re annoying! It’s no wonder Malfoy switched to boys when you follow him everywhere.” Harry raised his voice. Finally Pansy had nothing to say. She looked hurt, but the pain soon turned into fierceness. Pansy came forward and pushed Harry back.

            “If you don’t want me to insult your lame-ass friends, don’t ever say anything about mine. I know Draco like you never will, and I’m not trying to punish him for existing. We made mistakes, we weren’t on the right side of someone else’s game, but that’s because we never knew anything different. Like you don’t want to make the pale shimmery ghosts of your parents proud.”

Harry actually threw a rock at her and it scraped her upper arm. Pansy shrieked and threw one back. She had no right to talk about his parents. She didn’t know anything about them. _Just like he didn’t know anything about hers._

            “Stop trying to change everybody, Harry Potter.” Pansy finally said and returned to her spell. Harry felt like with _everybody_ she had meant one person in particular.

 

***

 

            “Be serious!” Dean yelled with exasperation. Hermione looked at him appreciating. They were sitting around one of the tables in the library, looking through piles and piles of books for possible future education and professions. The only three enjoying this were Hermione, Ginny and Dean. Luna didn’t protest either, but she seemed to be more occupied with other thoughts.

            “The _gibberygarbletons_ in this room seem to be a bit peckish.” The blond girl noted looking up to the ceiling. Ginny smiled and gave her a side hug, resting her head on Luna’s shoulder.

            “Can’t we all just be adults for a minute?” Hermione raised her voice. She turned to Ron looking for support, but he was immersed in a very lively conversation with Harry and Neville.

            “Ron!” she exclaimed and Ron stopped laughing abruptly. He turned to face her with uncertainty in his eyes. Hermione rolled her eyes.

            “This is serious! This is our future! I can’t believe you’re acting so reckless.”

            “Easy for you to say.” Seamus chimed in. “You’re good at everything, you just have to choose, while the majority of us have to find something that doesn’t require academic excellence.”

            “Hey, your academic excellence is fine.” Dean told him and their eyes lingered on each other a few more seconds.

            “I and Harry were serious when we considered becoming Aurors.” Ron said to his girlfriend a little defensively. Harry nodded goofily.

Hermione took a breath in and hesitated before letting her shoulders down.

            “Are you sure that’s for you?” She asked Ron. “Harry yes, but…”

Ron’s face clouded. “Are you doing that again?” He sounded hurt. “Why do you still think I need special attention? I thought we were past that.” There was an awkward silence around the table. Hermione blushed and touched her forehead.

            “I didn’t mean to offend you.” She said and touched his shoulder. He shook her hand off.

            “You never do.” Ron mumbled and turned his back on Hermione.

Ginny had pained expression on her face. When Hermione looked her way she tried to pass it off as a smile.

            “So…” Ginny said with a falling intonation. She smiled a little more convincing this time. “Anyone thinking about joining Charlie in fighting the dragons?”

            “I’ve thought about it.” Seamus revealed. Dean froze in the middle of turning a page. He looked up.

            “You have?” He sounded incredulous.  Seamus looked guilty.

            “Yeah, it had crossed my mind.”

            “It’s nice to know you trust me enough to tell me you were considering moving across the globe.” Dean said sarcastically and resumed reading as if nothing had happened even though his shoulders were tensed now.

Ginny squeezed her eyes shut at her failed attempt to lighten the mood.

            “It’s good Ginny and Harry are no longer together, because I wouldn’t be able to take a third row in fifteen minutes.” Luna said still looking at the ceiling. Harry chuckled and Ginny hid her face in her hands.

If even strong couples didn’t always say what needed to be said, maybe it really wasn’t a question of trust or feelings, maybe it was all guts.

 

 ***

 

Harry and Ron were walking back to the castle after an evening Quidditch practice and a cold breeze was ruffling Harry’s hair. He could see that Ron’s mind was troubled by something. He kept glancing in the distance, but he wasn’t really looking at anything. His eyes were just staring blankly.

            “Anything you want to talk about?” Harry asked him and Ron shrugged.

            “I don’t know.” He didn’t look at Harry. “Its just…Hermione. You heard what she said in the library. And that wasn’t the first time. I feel like…” he glanced upwards and closed his eyes in the wind.

“Like she’s the smart, beautiful, amazing girl and now she’s stuck with me.” Ron stopped walking and kicked a rock on the ground. Harry could tell it was close to impossible for him to say what he said.

            “I think she’s mostly embarrassed. I mean, look at her. What do I have to offer her?”

            “She loves you.” Harry tried to reassure him but could tell it wasn’t quite working. Ron was still staring at the ground with a tortured look in his eyes.

            “She thinks she does. I don’t think I want to be around when she realizes it’s not true.”

It was Harry’s turn to stop abruptly. Ron wouldn’t meet his eyes. What did he mean he didn’t want to be around?

            “Seamus was talking about the dragons and how he was considering…”

            “Do you want to leave?” Harry interrupted Ron, who looked almost guilty.

            “That wasn’t what I said, I just…can’t stay.”

            “So you want to leave her?”

Ron finally looked up in horror. His entire body was screaming the answer before he even formed words. Harry wondered if it had been just as evident on him when he looked at Ginny, or whenever he looked at…

Anyway, that didn’t matter and it never would.

            “No! No, of course not. I know I will never feel like this about anyone else, because there is no one else like her. She is…” Ron gazed at the castle as if expecting to see Hermione there. “remarkable.”

Harry smiled. Hermione really was remarkable. But so was Ron, even if he didn’t believe it himself. Harry knew he wouldn’t have done anything without either one of them. He also knew how Hermione looked at Ron sometimes when he wasn’t watching.

            “You’ll be fine.” Harry put a hand on Ron’s shoulder. “Just stop acting like a bloody idiot.”

Ron scratched his head and huffed a small laugh.

 


	6. Proximity

Harry was running late to another one of the volunteer classes. He could see people in pairs already leaving to work in different parts of the castle. A nagging sense of unease clutched his heart and, even though he tried to tell himself he was just worried about being late, he knew it was something else entirely.

“Ah, Mr Potter, we were starting to think you weren’t coming.” Before Harry even noticed the hint of blond behind McGonagall’s back, he sensed who _we_ were. Draco raised his eyes, gave just the slightest grin and crossed his arms in front of his chest. The usual all black attire was replaced by the signature Slytherin sweater. He seemed less sulky than usual today, though still without a tinge of remorse in his face. Harry frowned as anger flooded over him.

“You must agree your work the last time I paired you two together was far from perfect.” McGonagall looked at Harry over her half moon glasses. “That is why I suggest you finish what you started and return to that stairwell.”

Harry shuddered. He couldn’t believe he had to go back there with Draco. The later just turned on his heel and stalked away. Harry followed him against his wish.

“Don’t look so displeased, Mr Potter.” McGonagall called after him. “We are all very grateful for your past…achievements, but that in no way implies your not having to work now.”

Draco’s hands were in his pockets and he was ignoring Harry altogether. It was a nice change, except Harry kept waiting for Draco to look back or say something, which he never did. The wind was tousling his hair in a mesmerizing way and Harry had to make himself look elsewhere. They walked the rest of the way in silence. When they reached the pile of rocks that had been left untouched for the last couple of days, Harry felt like he ought to feel cautious, but as horrible of a person as Draco was, he wouldn’t harm Harry again.

“Why don’t you deal with the rocks today, Potter?” Draco suggested twirling his wand in his fingers. “Between you and me, I think we can both agree I’m the superior one in repair charms… _or any charms_.” He looked sideways at Harry, who glowered back. “Besides, I have _places_ to be after this.”

Harry laughed. Lately Draco could hardly manage to get one place from which he wasn’t shunned away. He looked at Harry disdainfully.

“Oh, sorry, _Mr pureblood prince_ , I just find it hard to believe.” Harry snickered and pointed his wand at a rock, which quickly rose into air. Draco’s eyebrows shot upwards. Then the grin was back on his lips.

“For your information, I have the evening Quidditch practice today, though it is hardly necessary when we are already so much better than you.” Draco announced and put the rock in it’s place on the stairwell.

Harry looked genuinely surprised.

“That is ridiculous. Our team is going to kick your Slytherin arses.”

“Not when I’m back on the team.” Draco sounded so sure of what he said, it made Harry laugh.

“I’ve beaten you every single time, Malfoy, this will be no different.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure.”

They worked in silence for a while. As little as Harry wanted to admit it, Draco was better at repairing, yet it would kill him to say that aloud. But he knew he was a better Seeker, at least he had been sure about it a couple of days ago.

“What do you mean?” Harry asked him when Draco’s last words had become just an echo in his memory. Draco looked at him and the corner of his lips rose even higher. He quickly finished his spell and stood up.

“What I mean is I’ve been practicing since I could walk and if you had ever thought of anyone else except yourself for a second, you’d know I was good.”

Who was he to accuse Harry at being vain, when all Draco had ever done had been for his own good?

“Too bad I was always too busy trying to stop your plans to help Voldemort.” Harry retorted. Draco didn’t budge, but his eyes darkened saying something he didn’t dare to.

“Yes, your highness Harry Potter, keep blaming me for trying to save my family’s honour.” Harry laughed sarcastically.

“If your family’s honour consisted of being Voldemort’s lap dogs…”

“Stop talking about things you know nothing about.” Draco snapped at him. The grin was gone, his arms were back across his chest defensively.

“Enlighten me then, because I don’t get it.” Harry stared at him, fury burning in his veins. For a second Draco looked confused. Then he pursed his lips and stared at Harry contemplating something in his head. This was possibly their first conversation, which didn’t involve one of them trying to kill the other. It was also far more bearable. Harry was starting to get used to Draco’s cold tone.

“Ok.” Draco finally said taking Harry by surprise. “What do you want to know, _Potter_?” The way he said Harry’s name made his stomach flip. It sounded like a punishment or a curse.

_Yeah, it was definitely a curse for Draco._

“Why did you do it?”

“I already told you – I was saving my family and I would do it all over again…”

“Not that.” Harry paused. “Why did you use Occlumency on me?”

Draco froze. His silvery eyes turned gray. Harry knew then he had asked the wrong question. Draco stepped closer, which made Harry hold his breath for a moment.

            “Because I’m sick of you.”

            “You’ve already said that.” Harry noted. They were painstakingly close by now. Harry knew nothing good ever came out of it.

            “I mean it.”

            “No, you don’t.”

They stared at each other for good five seconds before Draco huffed and turned around.

            “We better finish this.” He motioned to the pile of rocks. Harry shook his head.

            “You don’t think you should apologize?”

            “I’m not sorry.” Draco said not even glancing back. Harry stopped in his tracks. Anger surged through his body again. It was suddenly hot in the stone room.

            “How can you not be sorry?”

            “Does that really surprise you?” Draco sounded amused. “I’ve tried to kill people.” He said it like it was an accomplishment, but his voice broke, bearing how deeply the past had scarred him. Harry felt an unexplainable need to defend Draco against his own words. The look in those gray eyes begged him to understand, even though the rest of Draco’s face was still scornful.

            “There is a big difference between trying and doing.” Harry told him.

Draco opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Then he just turned his back on Harry and kneeled at the hole in the stairwell. Harry flew a rock to him and Draco murmured a spell to secure it. He kept looking at his blond head as if trying to find out what he’s thinking.

            “I _wanted_ to, too.” Draco finally found his words. “I still think no power should go to some filthy mudbloods. They have their own world to ruin. This one is ours and it should stay so.”

Harry gritted his teeth. He was so sick of listening to the same thing over and over again. Wanting something was a long way away from doing or even trying it. Besides, he didn’t sound so sure about what he’d said as he used to. It was as if he was saying what he was supposed to say. Or was Harry telling this to himself to make himself believe Draco wasn’t really as bad as everyone thought he was.

            “Why for Merlin’s sake would you want to kill someone, Malfoy?” Harry yelled at him suddenly overwhelmed with feelings he didn’t want to have. “What is your bloody problem?”

He hoped Draco would say something that would make him want to leave and never return. Draco stopped working once again and came to stand in front of Harry. His eyes were dark silver and they were burning. Harry had rarely seen him like this. His stomach lurched.

            Draco moved fast, like nothing could stop him. Harry’s heart started beating twice as hard. He felt anger and excitement at the same time.

            “I’m glad that you’re asking, Potter, because you wouldn’t have a clue! Everyone has _loved_ and adored you since you were a baby.” Draco said _love_ but it sounded like _hate_. He was inches away from Harry, who couldn’t hold his own anger in and was seconds from exploding.

            “Everyone knew your name and respected you as if you’d done something otherworldly, when in reality Voldemort just messed up.”

Harry shoved Draco in the chest. It only seemed to enrage him even more. Now when he was finally talking, he didn’t want to stop.

            “Push me all you want like you’ve been doing to everyone since you came here. Pushing everyone into the shadows. You want to know why I am how I am? Because I wanted my father to talk about me like everyone talked about _Harry Potter_. I wanted to be good enough, but I never were because of you.” Draco was almost growling and his eyes were tied to Harry. “Try living with your father constantly seeing you as a disappointment!”

A glimmer in Draco’s eyes betrayed the true depth of what he was saying. For the first time in his life Harry placed himself in Draco’s skin, which turned out to be similar to his own. He saw the hurt in Draco’s eyes that made all his body go rigid when he talked about his family. He had let down all his defenses. It had to be scary for him, because it was scary for Harry to see it. It didn’t make him want to go away, it lured him closer.

            “I have!” Harry shouted at Draco, who hadn’t expected such a response.

            “You think it was so easy for me to live up to _everything_ that _everyone_ was saying about me? Everyone kept telling me how great my father had been and I couldn’t live up to that. I always had to do something, be somewhere, make something right.”

            “I didn’t choose this!” Harry pushed Draco back again, but his hands lingered on his green sweater. For a second he wasn’t sure what he was talking about, but it had taken a lot of strength for him to say it. All at once he was exhausted. He had said those exact words before, but they had never been so true, they had never meant so much.

Harry stared at his hands on Draco’s chest and inhaled. And then he felt his heart beating under his palm. It almost surprised him like maybe he hadn’t been sure Draco had one. Neither of them moved.

Harry looked up and met Draco’s silvery gray eyes. They were a battlefield once again. Silver and gray burning each other up. Harry saw how desperately Draco tried to cling to his anger and push everything he was feeling back into the background, but it was all too much. He couldn’t suppress it – the understanding of what Harry was telling him. Draco looked into Harry’s eyes and simply nodded.


	7. Heal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just want to say thank you for reading my story. I'm smiling at every kudos I receive :)  
> This chapter is a bit longer than usual, so enjoy!

Harry sunk deeper into his shoulders as Pansy gave him another wink from the Slytherin table during breakfast.

            “What’s her deal?” Hermione narrowed her eyes.

            “Maybe it is some kind of a jinx.” Ron suggested. “You know the kind, which includes winking.”

Hermione rolled her eyes, but a smile did creep up on her lips.

Harry honestly didn’t know what Pansy’s problem was, but he had a sneaky feeling it had something to do with Draco.

Even thinking about him made Harry so confused. What once used to be the clearest feeling of hate had now become a mush of everything. No, it was more than that. Harry knew he didn’t hate Draco.

            “Good job on the Hufflepuff win yesterday!” A couple of Ravenclaw eightyears patted Harry on the back when passing by his seat.

            “Thanks. It was really a team effort.” He told them and hurriedly drank his pumpkin juice.

            “Dean and I were planning on a little games night this Friday.” Ginny announced and a happy muttering broke around the table.

            “That is a wonderful idea, Ginny.” Hermione smiled at her.

            “Yeah.” Ron added. “It’s been a while since I kicked someone’s butt in chess.”

Hermione nodded with an accomplished smile and snuggled against Ron’s side. He put his arm around her and chuckled.

            “I don’t know about this.” Neville started to say, but Ginny cut him off.

            “Neville!”

A sheepish grin appeared on his face.

            “Only if I get to bring the ladies.”

He laughed and stretched out his hand waiting for a high five, which never came. Ron was holding on to Hermione for his dear life, Seamus and Dean obviously didn’t care too much about the ladies and Harry had been so busy thinking about a certain individual he had missed the joke.

Neville puckered his eyebrows questioningly and lowered his hand. Ginny rolled her eyes.

            “Whoever wants to come, can come.” She said.

 Harry finished the last of his food and stood up. He still had to run back to their dormitory and fetch a Potions paper he had forgotten when he left this morning. As he made his way to the exit, Ron began to tell the others about the latest happenings in the Ministry of Magic, so no one really paid any attention to his departure.

            Harry walked through the door and turned right heading for the staircase. Most students were still in the Great Hall and the halls were almost empty.

He decided to walk past the entry to Gryffindor tower, which he still missed from time to time.

            “Oh! _Oh boy!”_ The pink lady exclaimed from her portrait.

            “Haven’t seen you here in a good long while.” Her eyes followed Harry.

            “I know. I’ll make sure to visit you some time later.” He glanced at her apologetically and walked on. He sure would not be doing that.

No one was on the seventh floor and Harry couldn’t help but smile. He was so tired of the crowds and talking.

He walked past the wall three times until the door appeared, but as he took held of the doorknob it swung open and someone ran into him.

Harry stumbled back and when he looked up his breath caught in his throat.

Draco Malfoy was standing in front of him.

Harry expected a trail of obscenities to come his way, but Draco kept quiet. He said nothing as he slumbered past Harry somehow looking even paler than usual. He was dressed in his black coat and was carrying a messenger bag.

            “Where are you going?” Harry turned around. Draco didn’t even think to stop.

            “None of your business.”

            “Aren’t you coming to class?”

            “No.”

Harry furrowed his brows. His stare was fixed on the retreating boy’s head.

            “Then where are you going?” Harry felt a bit stupid after repeating the same question, but something told him he shouldn’t let this go.

            “I already told you that this is no…”

            “Well, I’m making it my business, am I not?”

            “You’re just pissing me off.” Draco sounded so indifferent that Harry could sense something wasn’t right.

            “Stop!”

Draco didn’t stop.

Harry started after him.

            “Are you leaving Hogwarts?” Harry asked him while eyeing his bag.

            “Seriously, Potter, I have no time for this.”

He seemed tired. No trace of irritation like he had no energy left for it. But there was something else to his voice. And not only his voice – his back was stiff and his hand was gripping the strap of the bag so tightly his knuckles were going white. It was almost as if he was scared.

            “Then make time for it.” Harry was now almost in stride with Draco.

There was no answer.

            “Make time for it or I’m going to assume you’re doing something shady again.” Harry yelled at him and almost crashed into Malfoy when he suddenly swiveled around.

            “They took my mother to St Mungo’s this morning.” He said looking Harry square in the eye with a look that sent cold shivers down Harry’s spine. There was no way he wasn’t telling the truth.

            “So if you still think that I’m up to something, do it somewhere, where I can’t see you.”

Harry stood there dumbfounded.

            “What happened?” he finally asked.

Draco looked at him unsure of what to do next. Harry stepped closer. He knew how the pain of those you loved hurt. He knew it better than was fair.

Draco’s hand let go off the strap.

            “She was attacked while buying bread at a bakery.” His silver eyes met Harry’s. “Again.”

            “What do you mean _again_?” Harry shook his head not quite wanting to believe what he heard.

Draco gritted his teeth.

            “I mean _again_. You must have noticed people don’t exactly invite my family up for tea lately. You know what everyone says of us. You heard the accusations at the trial.”

Harry hadn’t realized Draco knew he had been at the Malfoy trial. But after everything that had happened between them the past week he wasn’t too surprised. He felt almost guilty now for not having said a word about Draco saving his life during the public hearings. Regret lurked in his consciousness and Harry lowered his gaze to the floor.

            “Do you know what…”

            “Someone used cruciatus on her.” Draco squeezed his eyes shut and his hand was back around the strap.

Scorching memories flashed in front of him – the spider struggling on Moody’s desk, the pain of the curse. Harry couldn’t believe someone would use an Unforgivable curse on a helpless woman like Narcissa. Anything she had ever done had been to save her family. She was scared and not nearly strong enough. But she had saved Harry’s life…

Another pang of regret soared in his chest. He should have said something at the trial. A few sentences and Narcissa wouldn’t be in a hospital right now. But he had been so angry. He had thought they all deserved what they got.

            Only now Harry understood he no longer believed that. He looked back up with new determination in his eyes.

            “Did you talk to Slughorn?”

Draco, who obviously just wanted to leave, nodded. He kept glancing sideways at the corridor. Harry was keeping him from seeing his mother.

            “Is Pansy waiting for you downstairs?” Harry inquired, remembering her stares during breakfast.

Draco brought his eyebrows together.

            “No.”

            “Blaise?”

            “Why would they wait for me downstairs?”

            “To go with you.”

            “They’re not.”

Harry stared at him. Draco still didn’t understand.

            “You’re going alone?”

            “It’s not like my father will visit her.” Draco’s lip curled up in a sad grin.

Harry moved before the thought had sunk in.

            “Don’t move!” he ordered and started walking back to their dormitory.

            “What are you doing, Potter?” Draco watched him and fortunately stayed put.

            “I’m coming with you.”

            “ _What?!_ ” Draco turned around sharply. Harry stopped to look into his eyes.

            “You can’t go alone.”

            “Yes I can.” Draco retorted back, but there was little fight left into him to argue further.

            “You shouldn’t.” Harry really meant what he said and Draco kept quiet. No one deserved to go through something like that alone. Not even him. Harry remembered how miserable the Weasleys had been the night Arthur was attacked by Nagini. How they had held on to each other to get through it.

Draco had no one. His father rarely left their home, hiding from everyone and everything. Narcissa was the only family Draco had. And he was loosing her.

Harry knew how it felt to loose the only family he had. He had only just met Sirius, but the pain was close to unbearable when he died. He couldn’t imagine how it felt to loose someone, who had been next to you for your entire life.

            “I’ll get my coat.” Harry told Draco and disappeared into the Room of Requirement. He went across the room and grabbed the green sweater Molly gave him last Christmas and his autumn coat. He quickly pulled the sweater over his head and went back outside.

            Draco was still in the same spot as before. His gaze flickered over Harry’s body and returned to the floor.

            “Won’t you talk with McGonagall?” he asked Harry when he stopped in front of him.

            “She’ll understand.”

They started walking and every portrait followed them with oil-painted eyes. Some of the people jumped from one painting to another just to get a better look at what was happening. Draco ignored them.

            “Why are you doing this?” he asked. Harry noticed he wasn’t trying to stop him. He was too worried about his mother to keep up his act.

            “I know how it hurts to lose a loved one.”

            “Yes, because my _mother’s_ sister killed him.” Draco supplied without missing a beat. Harry noticed how he immediately knew he was talking about Sirius and not his parents

            “And she paid for it.”

Draco turned his head to the left to meet Harry’s eyes. Whatever he saw in them kept him silent for the rest of the walk.

 

***

St Mungo’s was filled with people with the widest range of problems. Someone had accidentally engorged his left foot, a woman had blinded herself, a man had a strange rush on his forearm. Still everyone had stopped and gaped at Harry and Draco when they walked through the door.

            “What is Harry Potter doing here with that Malfoy scum?” Somebody had shouted. Draco sunk deeper into his shoulders and ignored everything. So did Harry. They were guided to the Fourth floor, where a round-faced healer ordered them to wait outside. Her eyes kind of popped when she saw Harry standing next to Draco, but she didn’t say anything.

Draco sat on a chair against the wall and Harry joined him.

For good ten minutes they didn’t utter a word. Draco was clutching his bag, looking at the tiled floor, not even blinking. Harry sneaked glances his way, captivated by the rawness in Draco’s eyes.

            “This isn’t the first time?” Harry asked him. It almost seemed like Draco was going to ignore him, but he lifted his gaze and was now staring at the opposite wall.

            “No.” He didn’t try to mask the anger in his voice.

            “Father’s not leaving the shadows, they can’t get to me at Hogwarts, so she is all that is left. My mother has never wanted to be a part of any of it. And now she’s lying on a hospital bed after being attacked in broad daylight.”

            “She doesn’t deserve this.” Harry close to whispered. If anyone deserved to be here, it was Lucius. Not his wife, who had saved everyone in a way. Pansy’s ridiculous epiphany came back to Harry, but now it seemed far more reasonable. If Draco had saved everyone by not giving Harry up to Voldemort, Narcissa had done even more. All for her son, who she believed could become the opposite of his father.

            “I do.” Draco replied and Harry’s attention snapped back to him.

Harry couldn’t say Draco didn’t deserve something. Only, he was starting to realize, he was already being punished for his actions. He had lost his status, power and the safety that used to be secured by his family name. Draco spent his days creeping around the corners, choosing less crowded corridors, barely eating his meals to get out of the Great Hall before everyone else. And now he was in a hospital for his mother.

            “You don’t deserve the Cruciatus.” Harry told him. Neither of them was looking at the other, they were both staring at the wall. It felt weird to sit like that, but Harry was afraid a wrong move would set Draco off his hinges.

            “If someone thinks that _she_ does, I do.” He closed his eyes.

            “Does it make you feel better, Potter? Seeing us destroyed like this. Reduced to nothing. Scared to breathe. It’s what you’ve always wanted, isn’t it? I bet you’re smiling inside right now.”

Harry took a sharp breath as irritation burned inside him like hot coals.

            “Say another word and I’ll hit you again.”

Draco huffed somewhat hysterically.

            “Never have been a big fan of the truth.”

Harry looked at his hands that were suddenly itching to collide with something.

How could Draco still keep insulting him now?

_It’s the truth._

A thought shocked him. Harry had wanted the Malfoy’s to rot in hell back when they had been running around with the Death Eaters.

_Back when he didn’t want to reach out and touch Draco Malfoy’s hand to ease his iron grip on the bag._

Harry exhaled loudly and his own hands fell into his lap.

            “I did want your family to suffer, but now I don’t think you deserve any more pain than you’re already in.” Harry managed to gather his thoughts into a sentence.

Draco shuddered – Harry saw his hands jerk a little bit. His gaze drifted from the fall to his left hand.

            “I think I do.” Draco said to himself. Then he continued on a bit louder.

“My mother can’t even walk on the streets. The only home she has is a tiny, molded apartment. It’s like living in a broom closet.”

            “Sounds familiar.” Harry mumbled under his breath.

            “ _What?_ ” For some unknown reason that had made Draco turn his head and look at him. It was probably the same reason why Harry felt he could tell him about it.

            “I lived in the broom closet for more than half of my life.” It was still embarrassing to admit it. Even after the pile of more important things that had happened since then. Somehow, when it was Draco, who’s response Harry awaited, he could still make Harry feel like the sad, unhappy boy he once was and swore to never be again.

            “But why? Didn’t your uncle now how important you are?” Draco looked incredulous. But he hadn’t tried to humiliate Harry any further. He just couldn’t believe Harry hadn’t had the perfect childhood. It occurred to Harry how little Draco knew of him. For some reason it felt like a sharp pang to the chest.

            “Let’s just say you and him would have a lot to talk about.”

Draco’s breath got stuck into his throat at that. He lifted his hands, finally unclenching them from the bag, and rubbed his temples. He seemed to have lost the ability to speak.

            “I see it comes as a surprise to you,” Harry carried on. “but the three people I knew until Hagrid came to get me one night, thought of me as the most useless thing in the entire world.”

Draco turned to face him again. Harry didn’t understand the expression on his face. Once again Draco was fighting with something.

            “You must have known about your parents.” He gaped at Harry.

            “No. I knew nothing.” Harry told him coldly and looked at the floor again. “I was just Harry.” He shrugged and went silent.

Draco still watched him with the undecipherable look on his face.

            “I always thought you’d know from the start.” Draco said quietly. “That’s why it upset me even more when you refused my friendship that first day on the train.”

He stole a glance at Harry.

            “I thought you reckoned you were superior to me even with the power of my family’s name. And to choose Weasley of all people…”

            “I _upset_ you?” Harry finally looked back at him. “I didn’t think you had feelings.”

A crease formed on Draco’s forehead. His lips formed a thin line. Harry stared at them for a moment too long.

            “You refused to be my friend on the first day of school without knowing anything about me.” His tone was accusative.

            “I thought I knew enough after seeing how you treated others.”

Draco laughed sarcastically.

            “I did what my father had taught me. He yelled at me for two hours when he found out I’d failed.” His eyes were stale with the memory. “ _Failure_ was like my second name.”

Harry shook his head.

            “He told you that when you were eleven?”

Draco nodded.

Something began to shift inside Harry’s mind. Puzzle pieces started to move to their places, filling in the holes.

            Even though it hadn’t seemed like that then, they both had been only children. It had been such a long time ago. That first train ride, the sorting. Draco had been a child, who was taught from birth to look up to his father. And he had loved him like any child loves his parents before he starts to think for himself. When his father lashed out on him, he channeled his hurt to the person, who he thought was responsible – Harry.

Nothing cut as deep as the disappointment of those you loved.

Draco had always been the pride of the family, the successor of their name and fortune.

He had never been just Draco.

            They sat there in silence for a long time, but it was the good kind of silence. The one that seemed to mend old wounds and soothe heartache. Harry couldn’t stop thinking about the little Draco before he met him, before he had to prove anything or be anything. In a way, he began to think, he was the reason for everything that happened to him, the way he turned out. Harry had never imagined he would be thinking something like that.

            “Do you think we could have been friends?” Harry asked Draco, breaking the silence. Draco looked at his left arm again. His fingers twitched.

            “Yes.” He said it barely a whisper. He lifted his gaze and when their eyes met, Harry’s stomach tied in knots. The look ran so deep in his gray eyes it was almost daunting. It had an intensity that was hard to endure.

Though Draco didn’t say anything else, Harry felt there was so much more he kept to himself. Yes, they could have been friends. Maybe it would all have turned out differently. Maybe he would have turned out differently. It stung, because Harry knew Draco would have. Maybe by now they would be more than…

There was no _more than_ for them. There couldn’t be. Harry looked away.

Draco’s hands were back on the bag. His knuckles were white again.

            “I don’t think we can be now, though.” He said.

            “I don’t think I can care enough to be someone’s friend at all.” He added more to himself.

Harry had to close his eyes for a second. A powerful emotion was trying to fight its way out and he had to use everything he had to hold it back.

Draco thought he was too far gone.

Somehow him saying that proved the very opposite to Harry. He opened his eyes and turned to say something, but the door to his right opened and the chubby healer appeared.

            Draco raised his head and was heading inside the room before she got around to allowing him that.

Harry started to stand up, but the healer smiled at him sadly.

            “Family only.”

Harry looked at Draco expecting him to tell her it was okay if he came inside.

He didn’t.

 

***

After half an hour had past Harry couldn’t bring himself to sit outside anymore. Being alone with his thoughts seemed unbearable. He didn’t understand what was taking so long. Thousand thoughts filled his mind – his conversation with Draco, his friends fighting, every time he had lost someone in his life, the white chairs at Dumbledore’s funeral. Yeah…the chairs had been the ones that really got him. He was sitting on a white chair now. So similar it frightened him.

            Harry stood up and went to the door. A young healer opened her mouth to say something, but as her eyes filled with recognition, she nodded and looked away. As Harry had said many times – there was little he couldn’t do after saving the world.

He opened the door and stepped into the room, where Narcissa was lying.

The room was very small. Her bed was at Harry’s right and next to it on both sides were the same white chairs and a tiny nightstand.

            His eyes went over Narcissa’s pale face. Her skin wasn’t just chalk white, it was turning blue at some places. Her lips were chapped and almost purple, every blood vessel stuck out from under her skin. Her stomach was barely moving. She looked dead.

            It was nothing compared to Draco’s face as he sat next her bed, holding her scrawny hand in his. When Harry came in his head had been resting on the bed, but now he straightened up. His eyes were empty. Blank. Dead.

He looked like a hundredth year old man looking over the roaring sea. At the same time he was the sea – storming, demolishing everything in it’s way. His body seemed unnaturally stiff. Only his thumb was caressing his mother’s skin in a tiny motion.

The sight tore Harry’s chest open.

Something about it seemed too familiar.

How many times had he been the one to stand at the hospital bed next to someone he cared about? How many times had he been the one staring up in the eyes of his friends? He knew how the pain ate you up. Leaving nothing behind but itself.

Draco didn’t move. His eyes never left Narcissa.

He didn’t ask Harry how he got in the room. He didn’t ask him to leave. He said nothing. Harry didn’t know if he should move closer. It was an intimate moment before a mother and her son.

It felt stupid to just stand there, so he sat on the chair on other side of Narcissa’s bed.

He couldn’t stop looking at Draco’s thumb moving across his mother’s skin. The act was so caring, so full of love. It was the only part of Draco not holding back his feelings.

He kept sitting there like an impeccable stone sculpture. All colour had left his face. Harry wanted to touch him. Simply touch him. Bring him back from wherever he was stuck now. Put a hand on his shoulder or slide it across his back. Touch his cheek with the outside of his hand. Press his lips to his temple. Anything to make it easier.

He couldn’t. He didn’t know Draco well enough. That hadn’t stopped him before, but then it had been an act of lust, now it mattered. Now Harry felt like he _almost_ cared. Deep inside he knew there was no more _almost_ to how he felt, but he was so scared of letting go of this one word that would make it real.

            “I can’t go back.” Draco said faintly. Harry’s head jerked up. Draco was looking at his mother’s face.

            “I can’t leave her.” He looked at Harry, who’s heart did a little jump.

Harry knew there was a bundle of right things to say at this moment, but he also knew they didn’t matter at times like these. Harry had been there far too often. He knew how Draco felt to the bone. He could almost feel it himself.

            “I understand.” He said and Draco’s eyes flew shut. He took a shaky breath and faced Narcissa again. His eyes were suddenly filled with despair. They were glassy and red from all the blood vessels in them. He was so hurt, so alone. Still he didn’t cry. Harry knew it was because of his presence. Draco didn’t trust him enough to let his emotions loose. _Not yet._

_Maybe not ever._

Harry’s stomach spasmed unwillingly at that thought. It was insufferable to just sit there and watch, though he couldn’t do anything else. However…yes, there was definitely something he could do.

            “I can’t go back.” Draco repeated.

            “You won’t have to.” Harry told him.

            “What are you talking about?” Draco sounded so tired. Harry could sense he was as locked up into himself as he had ever been. Uncomfortable to be in the same room with Harry.

            “We can stay in my house.” Harry told him as the old gloomy walls of Grimauld Place 12 came back into his memory.

Draco looked at him startled.

            “No.” He said immediately.

Harry was taken aback.

            “Why not?”

            “I’m not staying at your house.”

            “ _We_ are staying in my house.”

            “There is no _we_.”

            “Do you really want to keep telling that to yourself?” Harry shut Draco up for good. He just watched him like a caged animal wanting to tear something.

            “Go away, Potter.” Draco hissed.

Harry didn’t budge.

            “Get out.” He repeated.

Harry looked at him stubbornly and pressed his back against the chair.

            “Make me.”

Draco’s eyes widened. He was breathing fast and his thumb had stopped moving.

            “You have a nerve doing this while my mother’s barely alive.” He told Harry.

            “I don’t have the strength to fight you right now.” He added. “It’s not like there could ever be anything other than hate between us.” Draco’s eyes traveled back to his mother’s face.

            “I used to feel the same way, but there is.” Harry didn’t give up. He waited until Draco’s eyes met his.

            “I may not want it, but…” Harry inhaled and looked up for a second. Then he looked back down and searched Draco’s eyes. He was still so very cautious around Harry. Not quite trusting him.

            “I don’t hate you.”

Draco sort of shook his head.

            “I don’t get it. I don’t get how you can not hate me.”

Harry was silent for a while. He wanted to find the perfect answer. Should have know by now it didn’t exist.

            Draco was tired enough to speak the truth for once. Harry knew he’d probably regret it afterwards, when he felt better. It was never a good strategy to show your vulnerable side to your enemy. _They weren’t enemies anymore._

Harry accepted that. He wasn’t trying to deny it any longer.

            “Somehow you know what I’m going through. What I’ve gone through.” Harry told Draco. “And that is enough for me.”

Draco thought about what he said. Harry could practically see his brain working. He seemed to accept it. His shoulders relaxed a tiny bit and Harry’s heart rate slowed down.

            “I won’t stay in your house.” It was a statement not to question.

            “I’ll stay at her apartment and you’ll go back to Hogwarts.”

Harry sighed. There was no point in arguing. He had made his decision.

            “You’re not fine.” Harry told him. He didn’t want to waste time asking what was obvious.

            “No.”

Then Harry did what he’d wanted to do the entire day. He reached over and put his hand on top of Draco’s. He couldn’t believe how cold it was. Draco wanted to jerk it back, but stopped himself.

            “Your mother will be fine.” He said and squeezed it. “I know she will.”

Draco said nothing, but when he blinked his eyes lingered shut for a little longer than necessary.

            Harry stood up and left. Draco didn’t thank him, but Harry liked to think he at least felt grateful. As he left the room he stopped at the healer, who had turned the other way when he came in.

            “Could you, please, let him stay with her as long as he needs?” he asked her as charmingly as he possibly could. She looked surprised, but nodded.

            “Thank you.” Harry said to her and walked away.

 

 


	8. Gone to the Other Side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting for so long. With school and all the homework it's extremely difficult to find the time to write, I'm trying my best.

When Harry got back, Ron and Hermione were sitting on the front steps anxiously. Ron casually lifted his head and when his eyes met Harry, he nudged Hermione with his elbow and murmured something. Hermione’s head shot up and she jumped to her feet.

            “Harry! What the heck?!” she exclaimed. Harry looked at her weirdly.

            “Where have you been?”

Harry was more than surprised that they still didn’t know. News got around this school so fast it was fascinating. Moreover, he was sure many students had seen him leave this morning.

            Hermione started forward and Ron sighed and stood up. Before she had slapped Harry or something like that, he circled her waist with his arm and pushed her back against him.

            “Sorry, mate. You know she gets like this after someone’s been _unreasonably_ gone for a long time.”

Hermione’s lips popped open.

            “I do not get _like anything_.” She protested. She was also not going anywhere as long as Ron kept his grip, so she rolled her eyes and sighed. Her head leaned against Ron’s shoulder and her lips pursed.

            “Seriously, Harry, why didn’t you tell us you were leaving?”

            “ _Or with whom_.” Ron said under his breath.

Harry didn’t feel too obliged to explain everything to them and Ron’s comment irritated him just a tiny bit. Still he had to admit they had a point. Of course, they’d be surprised he left with Draco. They knew nothing about last week’s events. Not that he would tell them now.

            “I went to St Mungo’s with Draco.”

            “Why?” Hermione asked and her expression eased a little bit.

            “Narcissa was brought in this morning and…”

            “Why would you even care?” Ron looked at him half upset, half disgusted. Harry’s hands twitched.

            “He’s not so bad as he used to be anymore.” He said.

The most pitiful expression appeared on Hermione’s face.

            “Oh, Harry.”

He didn’t understand why there were looking at him as if he was crazy. Or wrong. Or maybe blind.

            “I’m perfectly fine with judging my own actions, so thank you for your concern, but I’m heading back to class.” Harry snapped at them and made for the door.

            “You’ve already missed most of them.” Hermione called after him.

            “Just proves my point.”

            “But Harry, we’re not trying to reprimand you, we just want understand why you’re suddenly so keen on hanging out with Malfoy.” She followed him.

            “So what if I am, it’s not like you have any say in that.”

            “We all know Malfoy means trouble, right?” Ron joined in. “He doesn’t deserve your friendship.”

Harry closed his eyes for a second longer than usual.

            “His mother was taken to hospital, Ron!” he stopped and looked into his friend’s eyes.

            “She’s the only person he has. Draco would’ve just sat there alone all day. I know far too well how that feels.”

Ron had nothing to say. He averted his eyes. Harry’s friends still felt uncomfortable whenever he brought up his parents. By now he had learned to use it in his favour.

            “I understand why you did it.” Hermione told Harry. “I just don’t want you to forget what Draco has done to you and the rest of us.”

Harry wanted to argue back, but he knew it would show how he felt. In the end he just nodded and walked away. Ron and Hermione fell back and soon were out of sight.

 

***

“Harry! Harry!” Harry turned to see Luna scurrying towards him down the front steps. They were going over to Hagrid’s hut for Care of Magical Creatures. The blond girl stopped at Harry’s side and smiled.

“Hello, Luna.” Harry vaguely smiled back, too preoccupied with other thoughts.

“I’ve had the craziest of weeks.” Luna announced. Harry was glad not to be the only one.

“So have I.”

“I heard you went to St Mungo’s with Draco.”

“It’s not really that big of a deal.” Harry had had enough warnings to last a lifetime

“I think that’s really nice of you.” Luna said and looked up at the sky.

Harry turned his head to the side and smiled. His eyes wandered over the lawn, where other students were hurrying, chatting loudly and laughing. Harry couldn’t remember the last time he’d laughed. Seemed like an eternity had passed.

            “Luna?”

            “Mm?”

            “Where does love go after we’ve felt it? And hate. Where does it go?” Harry didn’t expect her to know. He didn’t think that anyone really knew. Still he had to ask.

Luna turned her big eyes to him and smiled somewhat sadly.

            “I think we forget about it. You know? Because we forget to feel the love we have and we forget how it felt in the first place. Then it’s easier to find new love. Easier than to remember the old one.” Luna got quiet. “I don’t think we can love two people the same way. Everyone’s so different. I don’t think it’s about boys or girls in the end. I think it’s about how your souls fit together.”

Harry hoped she had it right. He also wished it didn’t matter. He wished he wouldn’t have to explain anything to anyone. Explaining what he felt to himself was hard enough.

            “What if my soul fits together with someone I don’t want to…”

Harry couldn’t finish. It felt like the most frightening thing he had ever had to do. After loosing his parents, friends, fighting Death Eaters and Voldemort, he was afraid to say one word. To even _think_ it.

            “We can’t control that. Sometimes it’s right and sometimes it’s wrong. But even when it’s wrong it’s still right, you know?”

Harry thought he did. And that was worse in a way. He found himself thinking about Draco and Narcissa again. He knew he didn’t have to give them a second thought, but he also couldn’t keep himself from hoping they were both all right.

            “I wish I could.” Harry mumbled and knew Luna had heard it, but the girl didn’t say a word more.

 

***

Harry was walking up to their dormitory, waiting for the staircase to stop moving. When it finally did, he started up, while Ginny was running down.

            She noticed him and stopped. A weird look crossed her face, but she kept her mouth shut. Harry was too tired to speak. Something had changed today. All of his friends were acting differently. As if he had gone over to the enemy’s side.

Because he had.

Draco was still an enemy to them.

 

***

It was after midnight when Draco returned to the dormitory. Many had already gone to sleep, but a few others were crouched in the far corner, talking. The only light was coming from the candle’s they had placed around them. The warm light flickered on the walls and Harry found it the most peaceful thing on the whole wide world.

            Then the door had opened and all conversation had ceased immediately. Just for a couple of seconds, but the silence seemed interminable. Draco lifted his head up and his eyes went straight to Harry’s. He gave Harry a tiny nod and went to his bed.

That was it. Nothing more. Not a single word.

But the way he looked. So tired. Impossibly tired.

Harry half wanted to cross the room and sit next to him. Ask something. Find out if Narcissa was ok, if he was going to see her tomorrow.

He didn’t.

Harry merely turned to his other side and forced his eyes shut.

 

***

In the morning Harry didn’t go to breakfast. He still hadn’t talked to Hermione or Ron since their little dispute. They left without trying to wake him.

When the door closed behind them, he opened his eyes and sat up. All Gryffindors had already left, except Dean and Seamus, who were bickering in the corner next to their beds. Dean was trying to straighten Seamus’ tie, but the other boy kept avoiding his fingers with a wide grin on his face. Dean finally gave up, bent his head to the side and looked at Seamus through his eyebrows. Seamus chuckled and pressed a kiss on Dean’s lips.

            “C’mon.” He gestured towards the door and pulled Dean by his tie. The taller boy followed.

Harry felt something unknown twitch in his stomach as he watched them. Almost a longing. But surely it couldn’t be that.

He kept sneaking glances in Draco’s direction. His blond head was still on the pillow, didn’t seem like he was planning on going anywhere.

Harry got out of his bed, gathered some clothes and went to the bathroom. When he returned the last of the Hufflepuff eight years were leaving, which meant he was now alone with Draco, who…wasn’t in his bed anymore.

Harry looked around the room and found him sitting casually on _his_ bed. There was the twitch again. His pulse picked up speed.

Draco looked at him and his expression was blank. At least he didn’t seem angry. That was a good start.

            “Why aren’t you downstairs?” he asked Harry in a voice that told him he couldn’t possibly care less about the answer.

Harry found it unnecessary to give it. They both knew why neither of them was at breakfast. He went back to where Draco was and sat on the bed opposite of his.

            “I don’t want you to look out for me.” Draco told him.

            “It’s bad enough as it is.”

            “Are we really here again?” Harry asked him. His eyes were piercing Draco’s temple. The blond boy sighed.

            “We wouldn’t be if you could just let it go.”

            “What if I can’t?”

Draco’s eyes snapped to Harry. For a fraction of a second he looked hopeful. The moment was too short to be sure.

            “I don’t see why you couldn’t.”

A month ago Harry would have felt the same way, but now it was all so different. He knew Draco knew it too and was just trying to push him away like he had done to every other person in this school. Something you couldn’t hide.

Harry knew Draco was conscious of his every move. It was exhilarating.

_That was why he couldn’t._

Harry stood up and stepped in front of Draco. Their eyes locked. A hot wave of blood surged through Harry’s veins.

He pushed Draco back onto his bed and leaned over him. His heart was thundering in his chest. He kept staring into those gray eyes, challenging Draco to turn away.

Then he dipped his head and kissed him. The second their lips connected Harry shuddered. Draco let out a soft moan. Harry almost lost his mind.

            “This is why I can’t.” Harry paused to prove his point.

            “Shut up, Potter.” Draco ordered breathily and pulled him back down. They kissed hungrily until Harry felt like his head was going to explode. He pushed himself off of Draco and fell on his back next to him.

            “It seems like whatever I do, I can never escape you.” Draco told him. He didn’t sound too happy about it.

            “You don’t have to escape me.”

            “Yes I do. I told you we couldn’t be friends. It’ll be better if we’re nothing at all.”

Harry knew he was right, but there was just one problem. They were already more than nothing.


End file.
